I'll prove it to you
by LovelessDestiny
Summary: John/Ben slash. Ben and John try to make their relationship work. It has to remain a secret and all goes down the drain when a colleague outs Ben. The other officers are less then tolerant and John can't take the pressure and endstheir relationship but Ben doesn't give up. He wants John, respect and the happy life they deserve. Geez I suck at summaries.


Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing, all rights belong to TNT, Ann Biderman...

Rating: T, to be on the safe side.

Pairing: John/Ben

Warning: Spoiler almost all seasons, violence, homophobia, swearing, timeline not exactly in order, hmm maybe a little OOC, Oh Dewey isn't as bad as it seems.

A./N.: I use the cliché that the police isn't tolerant towards homosexual, so no offence.

I don't believe that all are homophobes, I just needed it for the plot my muse came up with.

Please don't criticize the characters they turned out the way I needed them, blame my muse.

I didn't see all episodes because Germany is lousy when it comes to series. They started to broadcast Southland around 2 months ago, geez dubbing should be forbidden in most cases, so I tried to watch as many as I could find.

I hope it's okay, though.

:::::::::::::::::::::

"Do you have plans for Saturday?" Sherman smirked while he looked out the car window.

His probation ended two days ago.

"No, why?" Cooper looked at him for a brief moment before he returned his attention to the street.

"I'm not your rookie anymore," Sherman turned his head to give his partner a look.

"Don't look at me like that," he hated when Ben did that, his reproachful look made him feel uneasy.

"You promised you'd consider a relationship once my probation ended. So, it's over," Ben spread his arms slightly to emphasize his words.

"What makes you think I want to go out? I didn't ask you out after your probation, did I?" it was a bad idea. Sometimes he wished he never had told his partner about his sexual orientation.

"I see how you look at me Coop. I'm not blind or as oblivious as people tend to think I am," they danced around each other for months and it was time to do something.

"We are partners," John reasoned, keeping his eyes glued on the street, "What if it doesn't work out between us?"

"Do you believe that?" Ben's tone softened, he was scared too.

"I don't know," he loved his partner that was out of question but what if a sexual relationship would be the end of their partnership?

"It's a little late for that don't you think?"

"Late? For what?" the big man frowned glancing at his partner.

"We already crossed that line," it was adorable how easy it could be to read Cooper's thoughts.

Ben was John's well trained partner there was no way he could not see his inner conflict.

Didn't mean he always understood Cooper but he sensed his mood and could guess, like doing a jigsaw.

"I know," a small smile tucked on Cooper's lip.

They had a close call two weeks ago and decided to go for a drink after their shift.

They had been nervous after their adrenalin rush and needed some distraction.

Chikie was drunk and rambled something about the perfect fit of uniforms for women before Dewey involved her into a discussion about law and scum with free tickets.

Ben had sighed heavily before he gestured John to follow him.

The shootout and the alcohol led to one of the hottest nights John ever had.

It was a surprise to realize that your straight partner wasn't straight at all.

Cooper thought he was imagining the sexual tension between them or succumbed to his wishful thinking.

But Sherman had made it pretty clear that it wasn't an illusion and absolutely not a onetime thing.

"Is that a smirk officer Cooper?" Ben mocked, he wore a smug expression.

"No, Boot." His face was serious but Ben recognized John's hidden teasing when he heard it.

They remained silent for a while, Ben observed the environment while John drove.

"6 p.m., my place. Don't be late," the older man said finally.

Ben nodded with a little smile on his lips, "I will be on time, sir."

"Cut that crap Boot, or you'll walk."

"Kicking me out of the car? Isn't it against regulation?"

Cooper grunted and opened his mouth to reply as a familiar voice rang out.

"Garbage call," Cooper said, turning on the blue light.

"What makes you think that?"

"I can feel it," was all he said, it would be the fifth that day.

Cooper was right, two man were fighting over a glass of beer.

"He drank my beer," a tall man yelled, he was tall but luckily not as broad as the other guy.

The other man was unfortunately, in a figurative sense, as broad as he was tall with bald head and tattoos.

That weren't gang tattoos as far as John knew.

"No, he drank mine," the other guy shot back.

"Luis?" Cooper knew the barkeeper, it wasn't the first time he had to end a fight in that bar.

"It was Rico's beer," he said, raising his hands in surrender as the broad guy gave him a dirty look.

"No it wasn't," Ben rolled his eyes at that guy's attitude, "Knock it off already"

"And if I don't?" the man challenged.

"We have to arrest you." Cooper stood straight, making himself even taller and intimidating.

"Try it," he lunged at Ben but didn't get far as John knocked him down, using his weight to pin him to the ground.

"Stop it, Mike," the barkeeper pleaded but to no avail.

Mike took a swing at Cooper and hit his jaw but he didn't give in.

Ben took his handcuffs and managed to grab one of Mike's wrists.

Cooper used all his strength to turn the perp around for Ben, "Got him," the younger officer pulled Mike up and read him his rights.

"Come on," Cooper shoved the perp and led him to the car.

::::::::::

"Does it hurt much?" Ben asked after their shift.

"Isn't my first hit to the jaw, I'll live." Cooper took off his shirt.

"I don't mean the jaw." Sherman lowered his voice but his tone remained strong.

"I don't know what you mean," he hid the pain well, mostly.

"Your back is killing you, do you think I can't see that?" he had to wait for his reply because three more officers joined them in the locker room.

John was thankful for the distraction, he wasn't in the mood to discuss his aching back so he left before Ben got a chance to catch up with him.

::::::::::::

John slumped down on the sofa and nursed his beer. He tried to cut down his pill intake but it was hard and the pain was killing him "Damn drunkard," he hissed while he tried to find a comfortable position.

A knock on the door disturbed him, "Damn," he knew who it was even before he opened the door, "Checking on me Boot?"

"Someone has to," he entered without invitation.

"Come in," Cooper said after Sherman had entered, hiding his surprise about the bold move behind sarcasm.

Ben turned around to take a good look at his partner, his mood was sour and the lines of pain clearly visible on his handsome face, "Don't do that," he shook his head.

John grunted before he returned to his place on the sofa.

Ben sat down next to him, observing him, "Don't watch me like some kind of science project."

"Not a science project," Ben searched for something within the pocket of his sweater "I'm worried, now turn around will you."

"Why?" the older man eyed him suspiciously.

"I bought ointment for your back, the pharmacist said it would help," he hoped she was right, Coop could use the relief. It must be hell.

Cooper turned his back on him and lifted up his shirt.

Ben smiled lovingly, he loved his partner's broad back, "You're build like a bull, Coop," he began to rub the ointment in.

"Your build isn't bad either," he smiled to himself while he enjoyed Ben's hands on his skin.

His strong hands slid up and down his spine, massaging his lower back, "It burns."

"I know it does but she said it will lessen your pain," he placed a gentle kiss on John's neck.

Taking his hands off of his partner was the last thing he wanted to do but Cooper was in pain and sex was absolutely not an option.

Cooper shivered as Ben's lips connected with his skin, it felt good and right, "I care for you," the older man whispered barely audible.

"I know," Ben said gently while he pulled down Cooper's shirt, "Come here," he forced John to lie down, head resting on Ben's legs.

The younger man put an arm around him while he stroke through Cooper's soft hair with the other "I care for you, too."

"Good," he closed his eyes.

"Your performance was sexy as hell," he couldn't suppress to say it.

"Oh, yeah?" not opening his eyes.

"Yeah, you know my partner is tall, broad and one hell of a fighter." Ben tried to offer some distraction to get his mind off the pain.

"Is he?" a smirk graced his lips.

"He is," he looked down at Cooper, the lines around his eyes faded slightly, indicating that the pain lost some of its power.

"My partner is a sneaky little bastard, whose only goal in life is it to cause mischief to give me gray hair," he took a deep breath to overcome a wave of pain.

"Your hair looks pretty good to me. He can't be that successful, with your magnificent head of hair..." Ben mocked, he felt Cooper tense.

"Pure envy," he relaxed after the pain subsided. "It could have been worse today."

"He wasn't a threat. We had the upper hand, mostly," his hand ghosted over John's bruise.

"Did you even listen when I talked to you?" he cracked his eyes open, turning his head to look at his, lover.

"Look sharp, act sharp, be sharp. Never underestimate a perp or garbage call in general.

Every situation, no matter how harmless it seems could turn into a serious situation in a split second and keep an eye on their hands," he droned out.

"Attaboy." Cooper closed his eyes again, "Would be a shame if one of my trainees were didactic resistant. You would cramp my style, kid, not to mention my record."

"You mean the highest rate of drop outs and transfers during and after your training?" Ben smiled fondly, his partner was a handful especially when he had too many pills.

"Not my fault they're not though enough to partner with me," in a sick way, he was damn proud of that. They weren't worth his time when they couldn't even stand to be around him.

"Is that so?"

"It is."

"Sorry to ruin your record but I'm not going anywhere," he leaned forward to place a kiss on John's temple.

"I don't mind, this time," he yawned.

"Up with you, it's time to sleep." Sherman dragged him to the bedroom, the older man was so tired that he didn't put up a fight, much to Ben's surprise.

Sherman got into bed with Cooper, it was late and he was too lazy to drive home in the middle of the night and in addition to that he didn't want to leave his partner.

So he wrapped himself around Cooper's huge body and closed his eyes, inhaling his unique scent while he listened to his, hopefully lover's, soft snoring.

Cooper was whom he belonged to.

He provided everything Ben had ever looked for.

Courage, beliefs and he was strong-willed in every sense of the word but under his rough facade was a gentle and caring man with a soft heart.

Oh he had no illusions about Cooper, he was an addict, he could act violently and cold, and kept his feelings to himself most of the time, but they could work on it.

Ben knew damn well that he wasn't perfect either.

He sighed softly before sleep overtook him, it felt like home.

::::::::::

John woke up the next morning with a heavy weight on his chest, he rubbed his eyes sleepily and looked for the source of the rather comfortable weight.

Ben was still asleep, his head rested on John's chest and he'd wrapped an arm around the huge man.

Cooper watched him for a long time.

Studying his features, every little wrinkle, the contours of his bones, the little scar on the side of his chin.

His partner was a very beautiful man and it was hard to believe that someone like Ben Sherman, upper-class kid, beauty and model student, was able to love someone like him.

He was rough, broken and not exactly a dreamboat.

Ben snuggled closer to him as if he'd sensed John's inner argument.

Cooper sighed softly and traced with his fingers Ben's well formed cheekbone.

"Time to get up?" Ben mumbled, not opening his eyes. It was nice to feel Coop's fingers on his skin and he was afraid the older man might stop the moment he opened his eyes.

"Ten more minutes." Coop looked at his clock.

Ben smiled against his chest, the older man's body was so warm beneath him.

"We should learn to sleep more," he yawned.

"What four hours not enough for you Boots?" Coop tried to hide his grin.

Ben cracked an eye open "Nope, sir."

"Get off of me, I have to pee," the younger man groaned before he rolled around to bury his face into the pillow.

The sudden shift of temperature startled the older man and he shivered, he missed the Ben's comforting warmth.

He got up with a heavy sigh.

::::::::::::

"Coffee?" Coop offered his partner a cup.

Ben grumbled something that sounded close to thanks, but he wasn't sure.

His boyfriend was obviously not a morning person.

"Smirking? So early in the morning?" Ben raised a brow after he gulped down half his coffee.

Coop looked tired but his eyes were glittering with something that looked suspiciously like happiness.

"Just adoring your lovely personality in the morning," he said serious but the light twitch at the corner of his mouth gave him away.

That coaxed a chuckle out of the young man, "Who would have thought that you're a morning person. I thought we both get the chance to grumble to our heart's content."

"I hate the morning," the big man confessed but, somehow Ben's presence made a difference.

"Busted." Sherman washed his cup, "Are we still on for our date?", he almost chickened out to ask. He didn't leave his partner a choice the night before.

Ben had decided to come over and stay.

The older man seemed to be okay with that but with Coop you could never know for sure.

Sherman dried his cup, concentrating on the task in case Coop's expression held an answer he didn't want to remember, he had enough bad dreams as it was, haunting eyes and screams.

"Six, my place," John said simply, joining Ben at the sink.

The tall man put his mug down and placed a huge hand on the younger's man's, stilling it "You're always welcome."

Ben leaned a little backwards until his back connected with his partner's chest "That's all I need to know."

John enclosed the younger man in his arms and placed a gentle kiss on the side of his neck, "We have to go," he whispered, but wasn't in a hurry to let go.

Ben closed his eyes, enjoying the closeness.

In their line of work, every private moment could be their last.

They stood there for a few more minutes, treasuring what they had.

:::::::::::::

"I'm driving without you?" his eyes went wide for a moment before his act-sharp skills kicked in, images of his last solo shift vividly in his mind, "Why?"

"Chickie has to get off the sidelines again. _I_ made her turn Dewey in," he shrugged apologetic.

They were on the job, so he made the decision he would have made without their relationship.

He helped her out.

Didn't mean he liked it much.

Didn't liked it the first time either.

"Be safe," Sherman took the car keys and took his bag out of the trunk.

There was so much meaning behind these two words that John felt a heavy weight in his stomach.

"You, too." Coop gave him a strong pat on the back before he got into his patrol car.

"Hey, Chickie," Ben called out just as she set one foot into the car.

She looked at him, one hand at the open door and one on the car roof.

"Keep him safe," he warned.

Their relationship was a secret but John Cooper was _his_ partner.

She nodded in agreement and got into the car.

"What's with Sherman today?" she frowned, he was normally so quiet.

"He told me he had a nightmare, something about a shootout," he drove off. "I think it's related to the shootout during his first day as rookie."

"That was a hard day," her voice softened, "I almost lost Dewey."

He was a drunk and unpredictable but still her partner.

They endured lots of hardships together.

"Nothing's worse than losing your partner." Coop had seen many men die in the line of duty.

Good men, with families and ideals.

She nodded quietly a little smirk appeared on her lips, "He will be fine, papa bear."

"I hope so. I didn't train him to get shot during his first week as a real officer."

"How do you do that?"

"Do what?", he glance over to her.

"Being a TO. You train them, you get used to them and then you have to let them go," she disliked changes.

To have someone by your side whom you can trust was essential for survival.

"Most of them don't like me anyway," John stated matter of fact.

"But you like them," she pushed.

"Maybe," he replied, expression carefully guarded.

"You don't like constant partners," she realized, "because you could get hurt."

"Cut the crap Chickie, who do you think you are? A shrink?" he lectured.

She dropped it and turned her head to look out the window.

::::::::::::

Sherman sighed deeply after Cooper and Chickie drove off.

She was a nice woman but he didn't trust her enough to believe that she'd keep Cooper safe.

He had the feeling that John wasn't so eager to work with her either.

Coop once told him that she had been a good cop but she had changed and he couldn't figure out why.

"Time for work," he started the car and began his patrol.

Handling a shift alone was scary, he lacked experience and had no one around to ask for help.

Especially not a 6 foot 2 tall bull like Coop.

The older man made him feel safe, no matter what.

And he always came up with something to ease his mind.

Be it stories about his past or how important it was that he carried on if he really wanted to be an officer.

His first operation was a cat in a tree and he wondered when people stopped to call the fire department for such things.

His second was an attack on an old woman, a man in his early twenties pushed her to the ground and stole her purse.

She had a broken arm but still enough wit to insult the not present culprit and the ashamed looking bystanders.

Ben wrote down her testimony and reassured her that they would do anything to find the man.

She gave him a long hard look before she decided that the young man was indeed honest and didn't try to fob her off with empty promises.

She thanked him and allowed the paramedics to take her to the hospital.

The third call was something he wished to forget.

A jogger found the corps of a teenager hidden between trees, at the far end of a well-frequented park.

She was naked, fingerprints visible around her neck.

Her face was bloody, her nose most probably broken just like her cheekbone.

Her killer tore her slender body open with a knife and her 'innards' were clearly visible at some spots.

He secured the area and waited for Detective Adams to arrive, trying desperately not to vomit so close to the crime scene and praying that his shift would be over soon.

::::::::::::

This time it was Cooper who came over to check on his lover, he'd heard about the girl and knew Ben well enough to know that it was tearing him apart.

Shit like that wasn't easy to handle but Ben was more sensitive than most.

He wasn't jaded or used to bear frightening detailed nightmares.

"Come in," Ben stepped back. His expression was insecure and troubled.

John entered the apartment and took Ben's hand after the younger man locked his door.

They remained silent while the older man led Ben into the bedroom.

He looked through the dressers and chose a plain shirt and pajama pants.

Ben stood next to the bed and watched his lover.

He didn't know what to think about his behavior.

"Put that on," John placed the clothes carefully on the bed before he left the room.

Ben did as he was told.

Five minutes later Coop returned with a pack of crackers and a bottle of water.

The younger man frowned but kept his mouth shut.

John got rid of his pants and jumper. He sat down on the bed and reached out a hand for Ben to take.

Ben took the large hand and got onto the bed.

"Try to sleep," his partner ordered, with a hint of affection while they got under the blanket.

Two hours later Ben woke up with a start, hurrying into the bathroom to vomit.

The dead girl haunted his dream, her battered and bruised body slashed like a pig in the slaughterhouse.

He rinsed his mouth and tried to sneak into the bed but Cooper was awake, turning the light on.

Ben sighed, he shouldn't be surprised really.

The way he jumped out of bed would have woken anyone, but Coop was not anyone.

The older man was a protector and probably determined not to sleep too deeply, probably the slightest twitch of a muscle would have woken him instantly.

Said lovely partner handed him the water and a cracker.

"You knew," Ben munched on his cracker.

"I had my share of nightmares," the older man rubbed soothing circles over his lover's tense back.

"What kind of human being is capable of ... of ... slaughtering a child," there wasn't an answer to that, both knew it.

"There was a woman," Coop remembered. "She was 25. Pretty, promising future. My TO and I got called to a house. Plain, unsuspicious. We found her in the cellar. Her body parts were spread, everywhere. Her head sat on top of a table. Her torso still lay in the bathtub, together with her guts. He wrapped her arms in foil, separated. Did the same with the legs. He intended to... scatter her parts around the city. As jigsaw for us to piece together. We caught him, but he killed two more during the time we searched for him."

Ben realized that Coop's hands were shaking, barely visible but it felt like an earthquake to Ben. He took one of his lover's hands and clung to it, "How do you cope with it?", he placed a kiss on his knuckles.

"I got used to the dreams and one day your mind will take care of the rest, to prevent you from further psychical harm," he pulled Ben closer, placing a kiss against his temple. "We should try to sleep some more."

Ben nodded after he swallowed the last piece of his cracker, "Love you," he pecked Coop on the lips before he returned to his favorite position on his lover's chest.

Lines of worry appeared on John's face.

Gay relationships were a dangerous thing, especially for a police officer.

::::::::::::

"No coffee for you," Cooper snatched the paper cup out of Ben's hand and took a sip.

The younger man frowned and looked as if he wanted to say something but changed his mind.

"What have you done to piss him off?" Diaz asked, Ben remembered that the young man was once partnered with Dewey for two days, while Chikie was on sick leave.

Ben shrugged, not sure himself what he'd done.

"Second day in a row, he talks about nightmares," Coop explained. "No coffee," he put on his shades, "Let's roll boot."

Ben gave Diaz an annoyed look before he followed Cooper to the car, "No coffee, huh?"

"No coffee," he confirmed, leaning against the car.

"Thank you," Ben said honest, "but has it to be my coffee? Come on Coop one cup a day."

The older man eyed his partner for a moment before he gave his cup back, "One cup."

"Deal," Ben grabbed the cup before Cooper got a chance to change his mind.

The smooth voice of the communication operator chimed up, ordering them to check on a 428.

Both Cooper and Sherman hated child molester with passion.

A passerby heard a young boy cry and went looking for the source of the distressed cries. He witnessed how a man in his mid forties manhandled the kid.

He called the police before he tackled the man down.

They found him sitting on top of the perp as they arrived, the boy sat hunched up against a tree.

Cooper cuffed the man while Ben tried to comfort the kid.

"Hey," he stopped just outside his private space. "I'm officer Sherman, you can call me Ben. Who are you?" he crouched down to look less intimidating, the child was around 7.

"Sean," the kid shivered.

"Where are your parents, Sean?"

"Work," he eyed Ben suspiciously.

The medics and childcare service arrived and took over, releasing Ben rather unkind from his duties.

"Ben," the child screamed, he didn't like them.

They tried to touch him, manhandle him into the ambulance.

"Hey kiddo." Ben approached the kid slowly after he'd scratched one of the paramedics.

Cooper appeared behind Ben and the kid's eyes widened.

"Don't worry Sean. He's my partner. His name is John. I know he looks frightening but he's a really, really good man," the kid looked unsure, "Can I tell you a secret?"

Sean nodded.

Ben moved a little closer, "He is a guardian officer. He is so huge and tall therewith he can protect people."

"Like a guardian angel?" Sean whispered, his eyes never left Cooper.

"Yes, exactly like a guardian angel." John would so kick his ass when the operation was over.

Sean crawled slowly away from the tree before he got up and moved towards John.

Cooper crouched down in hope the kid wouldn't run off any moment.

His expression was soft and open, like the day he cared for the transvestite.

Ben's heart burned with desire.

Sean flung himself at the huge man and John wrapped his arms around him, standing up.

"That's high," the kid said in awe, he was taller than Ben and the man who hurt him and he felt indeed safe up there.

"Awesome, isn't it?" John's voice startled the kid. His voice wasn't as mean and dangerous as he'd presumed. _Ben must be right_, he thought, _he is a guardian officer_.

Sean rested his head against a shoulder and tried to peek around Cooper to check if he had wings.

The smile Ben gave him sent a wave of butterflies through his stomach, "Come on , kiddo. They have to make sure you're okay," he nodded in direction of the medics.

"Okay, sir," Sean whispered, clinging even harder to John's uniform.

John held the boy during the examination and talked the kid into believing him that it was safe to go with the social worker and medics.

"Do you think he will be fine?" Ben asked after the ambulance left.

"I think so, one day. He wasn't raped," Cooper was glad. "So, guardian officer?" he raised a brow.

"It helped, right?" Ben shrugged, a slight blush crept up his neck.

John put his shades back in place and walked to the car, "Let's throw the trash away"

The perp made a few smartass comments here and there until Ben blew up.

John had to hold him back while the prison guards led the perp away.

"Stop it boot," Cooper ordered, "He isn't worth losing your job."

Ben stopped struggling, he was still terribly angry but Coop was right, "Sorry boss."

John huffed and dragged him back to the car.

:::::::::::

"Anger management, Ben, anger management or your hot head will get you killed." Coop was in a sour mood.

"I know," Ben rolled his eyes while John wasn't looking.

"I know isn't helping," he said serious.

"I know, okay." Ben argued, "I can't change that with a snap of my finger, neither can you."

"You have to try," he picked up the pen Ben threw in frustration.

Groaning at the pain in his back.

"Coop," Ben got up, "Sit down." He took the pen and pushed John gently in the direction of a chair.

"I'll make dinner. You stay where you are," his annoyance was instantly replaced by worry.

"Mother-hen," Cooper wasn't happy, he needed his pills.

"Live with it, or don't," Ben snapped, heading for John's kitchen.

Somehow they ended up at Coop's house again after their shift.

Cooper clenched his fist, the pain was unbearable so he got up and took two pills.

He put them back into the medicine cabinet, watching himself in the mirror for a moment.

_What have I become_? He asked himself.

An addict, too weak to seek help. Letting each day pass by without getting his act together.

Why Ben stayed was a riddle to him. He could have easily requested a new partner after his probation.

Maybe that was one of the many reasons he didn't ask him out afterwards.

He was waiting for Ben to tell him he was leaving.

"Feeling better?" Ben leaned against the doorframe, arms crossed in front of his chest.

John said nothing.

"You can't go on like that forever," he glared at John, studying his posture.

"I know," the older man said, voice steady even though he didn't feel confident at all at that moment.

"You know I will turn you in one day if you don't stop to endanger yourself."

"I know."

Ben didn't like the thought but Cooper needed the job, like he said months ago he'd rather put a bullet in his head than losing the job.

"I worry about you Coop, just like you worry about my temperament," he added.

"I know," he replied sharper than intended.

"Dinner is ready." Sherman returned to the kitchen.

Cooper gave his reflection one last hard look before he joined Ben.

They ate in silence, not knowing what to say.

Both men didn't wear their hearts on their sleeves and sorry was a word they couldn't express easily.

"See you tomorrow," Ben took his jacket after they cleaned up the kitchen.

_Live with it or don't._

John grabbed Ben's wrist, taking the jacket out of the younger man's hand and putting it back on the coat hook.

Ben felt his heart race, John was so close now.

The older man cupped Ben's cheek in one of his tall hands and pecked him on the lips, running his thumb along his cheekbone.

Sherman let out a shaky breath. "I'm sorry, too," he rested his forehead against John's broad chest.

:::::::::::

Seven months into their carefully guarded relationship life decided to kick them in the ass.

They visited a bar, had a couple of drinks and made out in an alley as they heard footsteps.

Ben shoved Coop deeper into the darkness, someone familiar looked at him for a moment and left.

"Shit," Ben ran a shaky hand through his hair, "He's gone."

John stepped out of the darkness, eyes wide.

His biggest fear came true, they got caught.

He didn't know by whom but that wasn't important.

It could lead to their doom either way.

"We should go separated ways tonight," he left a shocked Ben in the alley.

Ben took a few deep breaths, collecting his raging thoughts. "Oh god," he whispered, hitting the wall next to him.

Their relationship had to remain a secret, John had made his point clear two months into their relationship after he got hurt and Ben had showed a little too much worry in the locker room as his eyes studied the angry bruise on his lover's shoulder.

His heart clenched painfully, fearing to get dumped by the only person he ever truly loved.

Not even the love he held for his family could compare to the love he felt for Officer John Cooper.

::::::::::

A knock disturbed John's musing, it was all so fucked up.

"Go home, Ben," he blocked the entrance with his body.

"We have to talk," Ben demanded.

"I don't think that's a good idea," he shook his head.

"Scared of me?" _scared of my love? Scared that I might get under your skin again? Scared that I make you want to stay? _

"Come in," he stepped aside, closing the door behind him.

"Give us a chance." Ben put as much strength into his voice as he could manage.

"You have no idea," the older man shook his head. "Do you have the slightest idea what happens to homosexual police officers?"

"The perps will never know."

"Not the perps Boot," his eyes were hard as steel ,"the people we call colleagues."

"They're our friends," Ben looked surprised.

"I have seen officers die because of this," he waved his hand back and forth between them.

"Your exaggerating," it was hard to believe that the men and women they considered friends, or even family, would look down on them. Letting them die.

"I'm not," a sad look crossed Coop's eyes, draining the anger from Ben's body. "Julian, he was 32. He brought his boyfriend along one day. They avoided him, two weeks later he died. He called for backup. They never came."

Ben swallowed the lump that formed in his throat, "They're our friends," he repeated determined while he moved closer to Cooper.

"Dewey, Chickie, they will understand," he was sure. "I'll prove it to you Coop. I'll prove that we have a place in their hearts, gay or not. They won't judge, we are still the same people."

The big man pulled Ben's lighter body against his own, resting his chin on top of Ben's head. "Let our relationship remain in the dark."

It sounded like an order but Sherman knew better, "No one will know about you. I never intended to out you," he felt Coop relax against him.

"Be careful," the older man tighten his grip around his partner.

Ben placed a kiss on his collarbone, while he unbuttoned Coop's shirt, "Love you Coop. Make me forget for a while, okay?" he let his hands wander over the warm skin of John's chest.

"Forever, if I could," he kissed him with passion while they stumbled to the bedroom.

:::::::::

"Hey fairy, how was your night?" Dewey strolled into the locker room.

The other officers gave Ben a dirty look.

"Leave it Dudek." Ben continued to change, avoiding to look at Dewey.

"Hey Coop, did you know that your rookie likes to suck cocks?" he smiled at John.

Cooper suppressed the urge to smash Dewey's face into a locker, "As long as he leaves me be," was all he could say.

"How did you get that idea anyway?" a young officer asked.

Garcia if Ben wasn't mistaken.

"I saw him in an alley, kissing someone who was definitely not a woman."

"So you think you caught him kissing a dude?"

"No, I know I caught him kissing a dude," he clicked his tongue, he was out for a drink with Baker and a few friends. "I just don't know who. I couldn't see him from my angle, it was too dark but I definitely saw Sherman."

"Is that true?" Montoya pulled on his shirt as fast as he could.

"I don't think my personal life is anyone's concern but mine," Sherman walked out of the locker room, controlled and head held high.

He got many nasty looks while he made his way to their car.

So that was what Cooper was talking about but they wouldn't hinder him to show Cooper that they had a chance.

"Keep a low profile for a while," Cooper startled him.

"How am I supposed to do that?"

"Keep your distance. Don't give them a reason to assume you might try to get into their pants."

"Why should I... Okay, got it. I'm invisible," Ben nodded and got into the car.

Closing the door with more force than he intended.

They hadn't to wait long for their first garbage call that day.

A rich looking gentlemen had dropped his keys into the drain.

He threatened to sue them and end their careers until Cooper hissed that he should try.

They stood face to face.

The scene reminded Ben of the woman with her unhealthy addiction to chicken nuggets.

The man let the issue go and huffed that he would find someone else who would gladly help him to retrieve his keys.

Their day was filled with garbage calls and Cooper's mood darkened even more.

He was pissed about the drama in the locker room, he was pissed about peoples lack of commonsense and his back hurt.

"One more hour," Ben continued to stare out of the window.

"My place?" Coop asked, surprising Sherman.

"If it's okay," he got the insecure expression he wore sometimes when he was holding back his thoughts.

"I wouldn't ask otherwise," John let out a barely audible sigh.

He was scared and the way they treated his partner tore on his heart.

"I'll prove it to you," Ben stated matter of fact.

::::::::::::

"I got Chinese," Ben held up two bags.

"I got beer," the older man smiled, he wouldn't let them affect his private life.

He wanted this. He needed this.

"Great." Ben strolled into the kitchen, setting the table, "How's your back?" he knew John was high on painkillers. He could see it in his eyes.

"Better." John knew that Ben had figured it out the moment he opened the front door.

"Good, that's good," John could hear the hidden message behind those words.

Ben was disappointed, and not thrilled that John avoided to accept his help.

"How are you?"

"Had better days," Ben faked a smile, not fooling John in the least.

"They won't stop Boot," he shook his head a little, "It will get harder."

"I'll make them see reason," Ben wanted to live his life the way he wanted and not how the officers saw fit.

He wanted his life with Cooper.

"I can't help," John warned, he was too scared to lose everything he worked for.

He was scared to lose the job he loved and was good at, "I just can't."

"But you love me?" he needed to know.

Cooper remained silent but his eyes gave him away.

Ben smiled, "That's all I need," he filled Coop's plate and kissed his temple before he sat down and dug into his food.

A little smile was plastered to the corner of John's mouth since the affectionate little kiss.

His heart made him remember how awesome love could be.

:::::::::

Sherman took everything his colleagues were throwing at him for two weeks by now, but he still carried enough hope to go on.

"Damn I'm tired. Thank god we have tomorrow off," Ben slumped down onto John's bed.

"I thought we could go on a date."

Ben gave him a look that stated clearly are-you-kidding?

"Not here but LA is huge." Cooper changed into his pajama pants.

"I'd like that," their last night out was the night they, no he, got caught.

"Movie and dinner?" John got into bed, pulling Ben on top of him.

"I pick the movie," Ben said, listening to John's heartbeat.

Coop's chuckle vibrated against his cheek, making him smile.

John shifted a little and let out a pained groan.

"Turn around," Ben sat up and helped Coop to lie on his belly. "I get the ointment," he hurried into the bathroom and searched for the vial.

"Got it," he returned, sitting down on John's strong thighs.

He massaged the ointment into his lover's aching muscles. He took his time, making it as comfortable as possible.

John exhaled in relief, Ben's hands against his back felt like heaven.

It still hurt but not as much as before.

Ben's devotion and motivation to do everything possible to sooth his pains let his heart swell with love.

He moaned as Ben pressed on a sore spot. "Sorry," the young man said but didn't stop.

"Worth it," John mumbled and relaxed beneath his hands.

It didn't take John long to fall asleep.

Ben slipped out of bed and washed the ointment from his hands.

He watched for a few minutes, from the doorway, before he joined his sleeping lover.

John still lay on his belly, his arms outstretched.

Ben lifted one arm up as gentle as he could and got under it, putting the arm around his middle.

Thankfully John didn't stir.

Ben placed a butterfly kiss against Coop's shoulder before he closed his eyes.

::::::::::::

"Get out of my way, Fairy." Baker bumped into him.

Sherman's back hit the locker with a thud.

"What are you looking at?" Montoya hissed.

"Nothing worth looking at," Ben shrugged, they were getting to him.

He endured their mockeries for three weeks and it was getting harder each passing day.

"We're not classy enough for him," Dewey mocked.

"What makes you think that every gay man has a hard on for you guys? Do you want every woman you see?" Ben stated.

"No, but you fairies aren't picky," Royce said in disgust.

"And you know that why?"

"Come every one knows that," he replied.

"Then they're mistaken." Ben closed his locker, looking at Cooper for help.

The older man looked away.

"Aw, isn't that cute. Do you have a crush on your TO?" Dewey grinned.

Ben could see John's back tense.

"No, but he's still my partner," he looked at Dudek. "I'm not aware that you ignore Chikie all day because of her gender."

"I warn you," Dewey threatened.

"Dewey leave him be," John ordered. "He's right he is my partner and I have to spend the day with him. So don't ruin his mood."

"Okay," Dewey raised his hands in defense. "See ya fairy."

"Hey Sherman," Chickie waited in front of their car.

Ben looked at her, not saying a word "Is it true?"

"Is what true?"

"That you're a fag?" she clarified.

"Not your concern, is it?"

"I have to work with you. It is my concern," she glared, she wasn't brave enough to ask sooner.

"Care to explain your logic?" he frowned.

"You lied about your preferences."

"How can I lie when no one ever asked?" he was confused.

"It's not safe to work with people like you," her posture stiffened.

"Ahh," understanding dawn on him. "Don't team up with me then," he opened the car door and got in.

She was scared that she would get killed because no one would come for a queer.

That hurt, especially coming from Chikie.

"Harassing my partner?" Cooper joined them, he disliked the look on her face.

"No," she shook her head, "just a warning," she walked over to Dudek.

"You're okay?!" John looked worried.

"No," the younger man said. "I have a long way to go."

"Yeah," he started the motor and drove off the parking lot.

::::::::::::::

"Does it hurt a lot?" Cooper got hurt as a perp threw himself at him and they flew down a flight of stairs, his upper arm and right side was badly bruised, "How's your back?"

Ben looked at him with big worried eyes. "Don't touch me," he hissed, looking around in case someone was watching.

"We're alone."

"We're never alone, not here," he breathed heavily, pushing Ben away from him.

The young man hit the locker.

"So that's it?" Ben could see it in his lover's eyes.

No matter how happy they were in private, their work life overshadowed everything they had.

"I can't do this anymore," he tapped with the back of his fist against Ben's chest, right above his heart. "You have to soldier on and get over it. Get a pretty girl you can bang and show around. Or a new man. I don't care but leave me out of it. Move on, Ben, you don't need me to be happy." John turned around to get his painkillers out of his locker.

"My last act as your _partner_ is that I will turn you in if you don't stop taking them within the next two weeks," Ben glared and John knew he meant what he said.

"Trouble in paradise," a middle aged officer looked from Ben to Cooper. "Made a move on you didn't he?" he glared at Ben.

"Just a disagreement." John closed his locker with a bang of his flat hand.

"Cooper," Ben yelled after him but the older man ignored him, "What?" he dared his colleague.

The guy remained silent. Worried he would get punched into a pulp the moment he opened his mouth.

"Thought so," Ben took his bag and left.

He went home to get a shower before he paid Cooper a visit.

"Coop open the door. I know you're home," Ben knocked, yelling as silent as possible without losing the urgency in his words.

"Come on," he hit the door.

Cooper sat on his couch listening to his partner.

He knew he would change his mind the moment he opened the door so he steeled himself against Ben's voice.

Ben wanted to prove how wrong he was but he wasn't.

He failed proving that they cared about him.

They mocked him, played pranks, pushed him around like he was worth less than the dirt under their shoes.

Nothing changed during the years.

Ben had tried hard to argue with them, to make them understand that he was harmless and not interested in any of them, he tried to make them understand that he was still the same.

But they laughed at him.

They even taunted him in front of a male prostitute, and there was nothing he could do to help his young partner.

It was the first time John had seen him cry.

Not at work but at home, in his arms.

That was something John wanted to never see again.

The pain in his heart while he held him, while he whispered sweet nothings to sooth the pain, was unbearable an left him with a sick stomach for days.

It was time to move on.

"Coop, please," Cooper squeezed his eyes shut, he knew that tone.

That was the tone of voice he got before the first tears made its way along his cheeks.

"Coop," that was the tone when they finally fell.

Silence followed by the noise of his bike.

John took a deep breath.

He drew up his knees and wrapped his arms around them.

Resting his forehead on his knees.

"I'm sorry," he let his own silent tears fall.

::::::::::::

"Garcia your riding with Montoya. Brown you will pair up with Dudek. Sherman and Bryant."

Ben's heart skipped a beat, he couldn't hide his shock as his eyes wandered to Cooper.

The older man wasn't looking at him.

"Cooper and Tang."

It was hard not to hyperventilate.

The pain in his chest made it hard to breath.

"New partner again? How comes?" Baker mocked after the meeting.

"I'll show her how we work," Cooper stated. "Come on Tang."

"Hey Ben, right?" Sammy offered him a hand.

He took it, "Sherman."

"Okay, but you can call me Sammy," the man smiled.

Ben wasn't fond of the new guy, he transferred to them a month ago after his partner died.

He hoped Tang would take care of Cooper.

"Let's roll."

Sammy gave him a funny look, "Are you always so uptight?"

"Mostly," he stated.

"You don't like me," it was a matter of fact.

"I can give you an answer once I got to know you," he started the engine.

"Okay," that was better than nothing. "Officer Cooper looks frightening," he heard about his bad-ass attitude.

"Great TO and partner," Ben missed him dearly.

"Did he assign you to me because you're a fairy?"

"Call me that one more time and I throw you out of the car over there?" he pointed at one of the meanest neighborhoods within their district.

"You wouldn't," he shook his head.

"You bet." Ben's eyes never left the road. His expression was so serious that Sammy considered to believe it for now.

"Is it true?"

"That I prefer men? I'm bi," that was the first answer Bryant got out of his new partner.

"Seeing someone," he grinned slyly.

His partner remained silent.

"Sore spot?" Bryant winced.

Ben had to admit that Bryant's behavior was more on the teasing side of provocation and not the mean one.

"Very sore," he said honest "He left me."

"That's hard," Sammy said in sympathy. "I don't understand how someone could possibly like to stick his cock into another man but I tolerate it. Just so you know."

_Tolerate_, Ben thought bitter, _better than nothing_.

"Good to know," sarcasm dripping from each word.

The funk came to life.

"Garbage call," he could feel it.

Sammy chuckled, "Garbage call?"

This time it was Ben who gave Sammy a funny look.

"The postman did not deliver today?" Sammy gave the woman a look that was practically screaming 'duh'.

"Yes," she insisted.

"Then call the post office," Ben turned around and walked back to his car.

A habit he developed during his time with Coop, it was kinda irritating that Sammy was the one who stayed behind to offer a clue.

"You were right, garbage call." Bryant got into the car, clearly annoyed.

"Told you so."

:::::::::::

One week later John vanished from the face of earth and it needed a talk with his Chief and calling three hospitals to find him.

Cooper took his threat seriously and took some time off to get surgery for his back and rehab for the pills.

The Chief told him that he was proud of him for talking Cooper into it, because he'd have hated to lose one of his best officers.

Ben didn't ask how he knew, because he was damn sure Coop never told him that.

He continued to go on patrol with Sammy, the man was okay.

Not John but okay.

"What are you thinking about?" Sammy asked nosily.

"Nothing." Ben stopped the car in front of a restaurant, "Let's hope we get a chance to eat our lunch," he strolled into the restaurant and ordered his favorite dish.

Not that he was truly hungry but it was a small comfort to eat something delicious.

He avoided to choose a place where his co-workers normally stopped for lunch but he wasn't lucky that day.

"Sherman," Baker said sweetly.

"Leave me alone, Joe," he wasn't in the mood to put up with them anytime soon.

"Why? On a date with your new partner?"

"Leave him out of it. He's married and doesn't need your shit." Ben continued to eat.

He wouldn't give in.

The other officers laughed, they had seen the queer's police car outside the restaurant and decided to teach him what a real man was supposed to be.

What would people say if every fag would walk around in an uniform?

"Cooper taught you well, you're brave. Don't need to hide behind him anymore, do you?" Rollins, a newbie, stated.

"You're still hiding, I see," he held Rollins gaze.

"I'm not."

"You hide behind your TO's old fashioned beliefs and repeat it parrot-fashion. That is hiding in my book." Sherman was proud of himself for holding his ground.

It wasn't easy but he talked himself into believing that he could do it.

He needed to do it.

For himself, for Cooper, for all the homosexual officers out there.

He would succeed or die trying.

Preferably not literally dying but if he had to it would hopefully be worth it.

He wouldn't have become a police officer if he wasn't prepared to die an early death.

Of course he hoped he'd reach an age to receive pension but the world wasn't safe.

The guy who punched his teeth out when he was ten was proof enough.

"Earth to Sherman," Bryant waved his hand in front of him.

"Huh?" he looked at him.

"Stop your staring contest and let us roll," he wanted to get out of here.

The tension mad him nervous and he felt kinda sorry for his partner.

Ben nodded and threw the remains of his food away.

The shift was long and filled with garbage calls and harassment.

Ben reached his bike as someone seized him by the neck.

He couldn't see him but he heard more footsteps.

They dragged him into a dark alley before they began to hit him.

A fist connected with his stomach, he groaned but stayed upright.

He would not give in.

The second fist connected with his jaw.

What brought him down was a kick to the knee.

Once he lay on the ground they started to kick him in the chest.

It hurt, his whole body burned with pain and they didn't seem to come to an end.

And he did what he tried so desperately not to do, he gave in to the pain and the fact that he didn't stand a chance.

After what felt like hours they let go of him and vanished in the dark.

He waited a while until he got enough air into his lungs to feel less light headed before he even tried to stand up.

"Damn," he leaned heavily against a brick wall.

He had two options.

Report what happened or going home, calling in sick and forget about it.

He chuckled sadly, grimacing as the chuckle sent a wave of pain through his chest.

There was no chance in hell that they'd help him, or look for the attacker.

No officer would ever investigate against other officers only because Ben was sure he knew who attacked him.

He heard their voices, saw Rollins ring.

The attackers were definitely colleagues.

Ben called a cab and paid him some extra cash for keeping his mouth shut and not report a hurt customer.

:::::::::::::

John was still at the hospital as a nurse entered his room with a big smile.

"A young man asked me to give that to you," she put a book down on the table.

"Why didn't he come in?" he wanted to see Ben so badly.

Her smile vanished. "He doesn't look good, I think he's sick. Probably doesn't want to infect you. Though he had a abrasion on his chin, maybe he was in an accident," she was in a hurry and didn't pay much attention.

"Thank you," he took the book and studied it for a while, chuckling.

Self-respect for dummies.

He opened the book, the book was indeed from Ben.

He'd recognize his neat handwriting anywhere.

_You are a great man and shouldn't have to hide who you are_

_But more important is that you learn to respect yourself. _

_You are a good person,_

_You are attractive,_

_You are loveable, _

_and you're worth my efforts._

_If you can't see that then Officer Cooper, you're dumb,_

_but dumb is a word no one will ever associate with you._

_We can have better._

_We don't need them to be happy, we don't need the job to be happy._

_I hope one day you'll understand._

_Love_

The text wasn't signed.

Cooper's expression hardened, he tried to analyze every single meaning behind every single word.

Ben pointed out his worries and he was surprised how well Ben knew him.

He never told Ben that he doubted his worth.

His father was a killer, he was an addict, a simple cop nothing close to the standards Ben was used to.

But on the other hand Ben became a cop because he wanted some distance between himself and the café society.

What worried him most was the passage about not needing the job, that could be an indication that he was breaking or it was just to make him understand that there was more to life than work.

John took a deep breath, he missed his partner dearly.

"Hey John." Tang strolled into the room without a knock.

"Tang," he nodded, putting the book down. Out of her reach.

"How are you?" she looked him up and down.

"Better," it was the truth, at least were surgery and drugs were involved.

"Good," her expression was serious.

It was nothing unusual but something in her posture was different, "What's up?"

"Sherman got attacked after work," she said calmly.

"What?" he blurted out, seething inwardly.

"He has a abrasion on his chin and Marques says his whole upper body is green and blue. He caught him in the locker room as he tried to change his shirt. It's not unusual that he waits for the locker room to be deserted but I think it's the first time because he was actively hiding something."

"Do you know who?" a fire burned in John's eyes she hadn't witnessed before.

"No, he didn't report it, and no one knows about it. He took three days of sick leave. We thought he needed some time to himself."

"Much hard time?" he kept his tone neutral.

"It got worse after you left. I think they still see you as his TO."

"I'll always be his TO," the rookies grew up but they would always remain rookies in the eye of seasoned officers.

"He is doing good," she nodded to herself. "He gives as good as he gets but I hope the attack didn't change that."

"He's stubborn," Cooper loved that side of Ben, even though it could be a very infuriating trait at times.

"I have to go back," she bid her goodbye.

The main reason she volunteered to team up with John Cooper was the well hidden secret between the old officers that John would never harass a woman or even touch one.

Except from his ex-wife but she knew it wasn't easy to be openly homosexual and understood that he probably loved her but not the way he should.

He tried to call Sherman after Jessica left but the young man didn't pick up.

It wasn't like Ben to ignore his calls, sure he was most probably really pissed because John broke up with him but he was enough of a worrywart to swallow his pride.

John tried to call six more times, in vain.

:::::::::::::

"Hey Boot." Dewey strolled into the locker room, big smile on his face.

"Don't call me that," Ben didn't look at him.

He was busy to get into his shirt without making a noise of distress.

The bruises fucking hurt, luckily nothing was broken.

"What happened to you?" his smile wavered as he spotted the purple, green, yellow, god knows bruising, they seemed days old.

"Drunken brawl," Ben lied.

Dudek frowned, the young man was hotheaded but he couldn't picture him in a bar fight.

Something was not right.

"Maybe he likes a little spanking," Rollins sneered.

"Shut up man," Dewey stated, surprising them all.

Sherman was a fairy but a beating went too far. They were police officers after all, they swore to protect people.

"What crawled up your ass?" Baker laughed at Dudek and then added, "getting attached?"

"With a fairy, no way but how is he supposed to back us up when he can't move at all?" he had an idea who exactly caused the bruises.

Ben left the room during their discussion, heading home while everyone was still busy arguing about him.

:::::::::::

The first act after he was cleared for duty was to hunt his ex-lover down.

"Boot come here," he hollered, eying the two man next to him.

"Hey Coop," Ben said nonchalantly but the older man could see right through the act.

"Excuse me," the young man left two amused officers behind.

"Where are we going?" the older man remained silent.

That man was not his boot, not the young passionate rich kid he got to know.

Cooper led him into the locker room, it was mostly empty at this time of day.

"Injuries?" he asked and lifted Ben's shirt up, revealing barely visible reminders of a good beating.

John could feel Ben's breath hitch the moment he let his fingers ghost over a faded bruise, "Who did that?"

Ben shrugged.

John let go of Ben and brought some distance between them.

Checking for injuries was a good reason to touch the young man but he couldn't overdo it, "Tell me."

"Why?" Ben hissed "As if you care" he knew it was unfair because he knew damn well that John cared.

"It's not right," Cooper raged. "They've gone too far. You have to report them."

"What makes you think I know who did that?"

"Come on Sherman, don't play games with me. I know that you cover them. God knows why."

"You know why," Ben's tone was sharper than he intended it to sound.

He held John's gaze, searching for the affection he normally found in them.

There it was, hidden behind a layer of worry, anger and something he couldn't identify.

"How's your partner," he narrowed his eyes.

"Tolerating my sexual orientation, keeping me as safe as he can," Bryant was a good man, nerve-wrecking at times but not bad to be around.

"Heard you're not working on your hotheaded decisions," the new guy wasn't able to keep Ben under control, but Ben needed someone to keep him out of trouble.

Someone who stopped him when he threw a tantrum, overwhelmed by his emotions.

As far as he knew Sherman punched a suspect a week ago.

"Here you are," Sammy stormed into the room, his eyes wandered form Ben to the huge figure in front of him. "Officer Cooper, nice to have you back," he disliked the hard expression on the older man's face.

"Be safe," Coop grunted and brushed past Sammy to get away from them.

"What was that about?"

"Papa bear checking on me," Ben had mixed feelings about the situation.

It hurt that John was reacting to the situation with anger and decided not to interfere with what was happening but on the other hand it was good to know that he still cared.

It reminded him of his goal to prove that they could be accepted.

Their bigotry was just a ... setback, yes that was what it was a setback nothing more.

He sighed, not believing himself anymore.

"He doesn't look like the papa bear type," Sammy raised a brow, the big guy was intimidating and his reputation was legendary.

It was hard to believe that the situation he just witnessed was what Ben wanted him to believe it was. The big man was possibly dangerous.

"You'd be surprised," Ben muttered under his breath. "Let's go."

Bryant shook his head and followed.

::::::::::::::

"Put your gun down," Ben yelled, repeating his order two more times.

"Come on man, don't do something stupid." Sammy tried to appeal on his common sense.

"No, you won't get me," the gunman hid behind a dumpster.

Backup was arriving and made the man even more nervous.

"You don't stand a chance, surrender and you'll walk out of it alive," that was Coop's voice, the tight knot in Ben's stomach loosened a little.

"No, no, no. I don't go back," the man yelled.

"Let us get the woman," Ben yelled, she wasn't hurt too badly but the bleeding could be dangerous the longer it remained unattended.

"She stays where she is," right between the dumpster and the police.

"We charge you for murder the moment she dies," Sammy tried his luck. "You're safe as long as she survives. Do you want end up on deathrow?"

They could hear him repeat frantically, no, no, no.

The man was obviously mentally ill.

"Throw your gun away and put your hands up."

"Go," he said to the woman, "go."

She hesitated a moment before she ran for it.

Sammy brought her to safety while John, Ben and Tang kept their weapons trained on him.

They relaxed after the guy threw his weapon on the sidewalk and emerged from behind the dumpster and Ben cuffed him.

"That's how you threaten sick people?" a junky yelled. "You're scum, threatening us like dirt."

"He shot an innocent," Ben stated.

"Upper-class chick has to take into account that this is not some cuddly street in Bellagio," the man raged.

Ben saw red and tried to jump the man.

Cooper sensed his love's next move and wrapped one arm around his middle to hold him back.

The solid weight against his body was so familiar it hurt. "Cool down." he roared in his best listen-and-obey voice.

Ben's body stilled, he was still fuming but got a hold on himself. "Good," John added softly.

Sammy just stood there and watched.

"Leave or I arrest you," Cooper glared at the junky.

The man sniffed, waiting a moment before he decided that it was safer to leave them be.

He needed his next fix anyway, and he wouldn't get that in jail.

"Keep your head calm," John let go of him, missing Ben's warmth against his body. "The rules boot, repeat them."

"Look sharp, act sharp, be sharp," he mumbled unhappily.

Bryant wanted to say something but Coopers angry glare silenced him. "I didn't understand you."

"Look sharp, act sharp, be sharp," Ben said strong, with a huge hint of anger.

"Did you just act that way?"

"No, sir," Ben spat, despite the worry in the older man's eyes.

"You," he pointed at Bryant. "You have to know your partner, keep him in line, protect him. That does not contain standing around and watch while he endangers his life and career, do you understand?"

Sammy felt like he was a rookie who just got scolded by his TO after he fucked up royally "Yes, sir."

"We take him," John nodded at Tang and she loaded the perp into their car.

Cooper leaned in closer to Ben, whispering in his ear, "Don't do that again, I don't trust him to have your six," he said serious, expression hard as steel.

Ben's features softened slightly, Bryant mistook his look for resignation.

"What did he say?" Sammy asked after their ways parted.

He disliked the tall man.

"Not your concern," Ben treasured John's concern, that meant he still cared for him.

The day Coop would stop being concerned would be the day Ben would stop fighting.

Maybe John's love would grow, one day, to a point that he'd stand up for himself and their mutual attraction.

"Tell me if he threatens you, okay?" Sammy was serious.

"Coop?" Ben guarded his emotions, scared to give away much more than John was comfortable with, he promised not to 'out' him after all ,"He isn't a threat."

"I don't know man." he shook his head. "He seems, unpleasant."

"Drop it." Ben had enough.

Yes Cooper was intimidating, yes he was rough, yes he was demanding and yes he was what most of the rumors said he was but he was not mean, he wasn't heartless.

John Cooper was well respected and well liked, he cared for people and he was there whenever you needed him.

Hell, he was there for Ben every time shit hit the fan.

John came in the middle of the night after a long, hard day just because Ben was too agitated to sit still after he had to learn the hard way that he couldn't save them all.

He got down on the curbside despite his aching back just to offer him comfort while the fire department retrieved his running shoes.

Retelling one of his own worst memories. Ben had felt bad for triggering those memories.

He was sure the baby haunted Coop's dreams that night.

Sure Ben was angry at Cooper for being a coward, for ending their relationship even though no one knew but he understood that the older man was hiding for a very, very long time.

It wasn't as easy to resolve as his painkiller addiction it was rather on the same level as Ben's own aggression problem.

Life taught them these manners and it was hard to fight your own character traits.

Sherman sighed, asking himself how he'd gotten himself into this mess.

"Lunch?" Sammy's voice broke through the heavy silence.

"Sure," Ben looked out for the next diner.

:::::::::::::

"Hey Sherman." Ben winced, not again.

"Dewey," he greeted halfheartedly.

"Join us," he pointed at Chikie.

"I don't think that's a good idea," Ben shook his head, ordering his meal.

He wasn't hungry anymore.

"Join us," that was unmistakably an order.

Bryant and Sherman occupied the two remaining seats on their table.

"So care to explain how you've gotten these bruises," Dewey pointed with a spoon at Ben.

"Told you," he shoved some food into his mouth to have a reason to keep his mouth shut.

"I don't believe a word."

"Come on Sherman," Chikie urged, she didn't want to see him hurt.

"No," was the short reply.

"Do you know how or who?" Dudek stared at Sammy, the younger man squirmed uncomfortably in his seat, "No."

"Sure?" he studied Bryant's reaction.

"Yes," Sammy nodded.

"I see no reason to confine in you guys," Ben said finally.

Dewey was impressed how stubborn the kid could be. They threw dirt at him and he dodged or took it and went on.

He was pretty manly for a queer.

That deserved some respect.

"Something interesting today?" Dewey changed the topic, putting as much amusement in his voice as possible.

"Just a psycho. Shot a woman, used her as a shield between himself and us. He hid behind a dumpster letting her sit on the sidewalk while she bled. Sick fucker," Sammy stated, "a junky pissed off our Sherman here. Almost jumped him."

"Hotshot," Chikie muttered, "that will get you killed one day."

"Officer Cooper held him back," Sammy nodded to himself. "He gives one hell of a lecture."

"He's TO for a reason," Chikie played with her food. "Even I get them from time to time," she remembered the day he told her that she was a crap cop.

"He's an officer of the old style, just like me," Dewey said cheerful, "Rough and tough men. In my days fairies didn't become police officers but nowadays everyone can join."

Ben dropped his fork, his jaw clenched and unclenched while he tried to keep calm.

"Ah come on, don't take it to heart. We make a man out of you."

"Let's roll," Ben threw his food away.

He lost some weight over the weeks but not enough to draw attention.

Dudek watched them go, losing himself in his thoughts.

::::::::::::

"You're okay?" Cooper asked as they headed for their means of transportation.

"Dewey showed some interest in the ... incident," Ben walked slower in hope to stall time.

He felt good when John was around.

"Positive or negative?"

"I think positive," he thought for hours about Dewey's behavior and the looks Brown gave him.

They raised his hope that people were coming around with the fact that he was interested in men, too.

"Good," John nodded. "We can go out for a drink."

"They could see us together," it was a bad idea. John would break his heart even more.

"We could meet on neutral ground."

Ben snorted, "No, Coop. You made it pretty clear that we can't... It hurts, John. It hurts a lot. We don't have a chance under these conditions. You will run at the first sign of trouble and I don't want to get my hopes up."

"Ben," John said softly.

"No, listen. I know we're over but I still have hope that maybe one day, we'll get our chance," he knew it was silly but he couldn't help it.

"I wasn't offering a relationship. Just a beer and a open ear," Cooper clarified.

"My sense for self-protection isn't the best but even I am not stupid enough to get my hopes up by spending an evening with you. I know you mean well but a drink John? How do you think that will end?"

Sherman was right, of course he was. He was mostly right when he spoke his mind.

"Be careful, okay?" he walked in direction of his car.

Pretending to look for his keys while he observed the area to make sure Ben left unharmed.

"Well done, John," he muttered to himself before he got into his car. "Damn it," he hit his steering wheel.

::::::::::

Ben opened his locker just to slam it shut the moment he spied the pink tutu in it.

"Funny," he clenched his jaw.

"What is funny?" Cooper turned around, keeping his tone and expression guarded.

"This," he opened the locker and conjured a pink tutu. "I can give it to Chloe."

John snorted, he couldn't picture one of Ben's sisters in a tutu, "Too cheap."

"Yeah, she probably uses it to polish her car," it was nice to have an ally, even if it was for a short time.

"Too cheap?" Sammy changed into his uniform.

"Yeah, our boy here is rich," Blake sneered, "he wants to catch the bad guys, so his daddy can bail them out. How high is the commission you get?"

"You're the lawyer's son?" Bryant was surprised, shocked was an even more suitable description.

Sherman was a good man and it was hard to believe that he was related to the old menace.

"Can't choose my relatives," Ben shrugged at Sammy.

"No, you can't," he let the topic drop.

"I'm sure your daddy would prefer a more manly son. Like Cooper her, our flagship man. Maybe he can make a man out of you."

Sherman could see how Cooper fought to keep calm.

"You have it bad for him," Rollins chimed up. "Don't look surprised. Do you think we're blind? The way you look at him sometimes. Naughty fairy."

Ben kept his mouth shut, his mind raced to find a clue when he gave some of his feelings away.

He waited until most of the officers were gone before he approached John.

"I'm sorry," he reached out to place a hand on John's arm.

The older man swatted his hand away. "Don't touch me," he grunted, "and keep your emotion locked up," he hurried out of the room.

"Such a sweetheart." Sammy shook his head in disgust.

Ben didn't listen to Bryant or the other two officers, all he could do was stare at the door.

There was anger in Coop's eyes and disgust.

It was hard to breath with the memory of his disgusted eyes, still fresh in his mind.

But he wasn't sure the disgust was meant for him, it bordered rather on self-loathing on John's part.

"Ben?" a hand touched his shoulder.

"Let's go." Sammy pushed him gently out of the room.

Their shift was rather unspectacular until an hour before their shift ended.

All available units got called to a shootout.

Two gangs got into a fight and opened fire, once the police arrived they ganged up against them.

They tried to hide from the hail of bullets behind their cars but it wasn't much of a protection.

Cooper took two men down, Ben got one while Sammy shot three.

There were three man left after Dewey and Tang took two more out.

They had to leave their cover to get to the men, who ran inside the small house to take cover.

A woman screamed inside the house and they could hear a baby cry.

At three they surrounded the house Cooper, Sherman, Tang and Brown took over to secure the front side.

The gunmen opened fire the moment they caught sight of the officers.

It was short and dirty.

The officers which came from the backside took them out, they could hear them yell inside, drop your weapons, hands up, and two shots.

"Everybody okay?" Cooper lowered his gun. "Ben?" he was the only one who didn't mutter a response.

John turned around, hearing a gurgling sound from where Ben had covered Coop's back, just like he used to. "Sherman," he dropped to his knees next to Ben.

A bullet hit his shoulder right where the vest ended. "Hold on, okay? It's your shoulder, you'll be fine," he soothed.

Fear rose in Ben's eyes as he coughed, pain flooded his whole being.

John's heart stopped for a painful moment, there was blood.

His Ben was coughing up blood.

Cooper put a hand under Ben's head to make him more comfortable, his other hand palmed Ben's cheek, "Stay with me, boot."

Sherman wanted to reply but he couldn't there wasn't enough air and therefore too much blood in his airways to do so.

All that came out was a choking sound.

The look on Coop's face broke his heart. "Don't leave me," John whispered, "Don't leave me."

Ben's lips turned blue beneath the crimson red. The young man raised his arm and patted clumsily John's chest with the back of his loose fist. Above the heart like John had done.

"No Sherman, absolutely not," John looked as if he wanted to cry. "I was wrong," he chuckled angrily, "Don't you dare throwing my own words back at me. Not under these circumstances. That's not fair."

A hint of surprise appeared in Ben's glassy eyes and John knew he still understood bits and pieces, "You were right, all along. I was too stubborn to see."

Ben coughed up a little more blood and it was painfully obvious that he was racked with pain.

"Don't you dare," John ordered loudly, "You're not dying on my watch, boot."

Ben gathered his remaining strength to tap one last time against John's chest before his eyes closed and his head lulled to the side.

::::::::::::

They all gathered in the waiting area of the hospital.

A few non homophobic officers were scattered around the waiting area and that gave John some hope. Sherman wasn't all alone.

The medics were able to reanimate the young officer and he went into surgery four hours ago.

"He will be fine Cooper," Tang whispered.

John remained silent, staring at the opposite wall with a stony expression.

"How is he?" Dewey and Chickie joined them after they took care of the mess they made.

"He's still in surgery," Sammy stated, his face was blank.

"Cooper?" Chikie settled down next to him.

His forearms rested on his thighs. "What?" he asked, tone neutral.

"How are you?"

"What do you think?" he clenched his fists.

There was nothing she could say.

"Didn't train your fairy good enough, did you Cooper?" Baker strolled into the waiting area.

John's jaw clenched while he took deep breaths. "Leave," he said finally.

"Come again?"

"Get the hell out of here before I make you," he threatened, voice dangerously controlled.

"Just wanted to ask how he is," he shrugged.

"Get out." John repeated, if looks could kill Baker would have burned to ashes within seconds.

"Okay," he raised his hands in surrender.

"You trained him well," Dewey stated after Baker was gone.

"Not good enough."

"Maybe you shouldn't have threatened him. He'd have probably learned more without fearing you," Sammy accused.

"He's not scared of me," Cooper was sure.

"No?" he narrowed his eyes. "The way he looked after you whispered into his ear. The scene in the locker room this morning, all these things tell me a different story."

"Leave him be," Dewey interfered. "The fag has just a crush on our dear Cooper here. Was probably just hitting on him," he shuddered.

"Don't call him that," John had enough.

"What, fag?"

"Exactly," it was time to act.

"Homosexual then," he shrugged.

"What is your problem with homosexuality?" Brown frowned at John's question, thinking about it herself.

"Sticking your dick into another man's ass is gross, makes my stomach churn," Dudek replied, at least he was honest.

"I'm scared to be left alone when I need help, because sometimes help doesn't come for gay officers," Brown stated, she remembered Julian, too.

"Then stop thinking about his sex life when it's the only reason," Cooper glared.

"It's not normal."

"Who says that?" Coop sat up straight "Humans made these rules. Homosexuality is as old as the world itself. God would have done something by now if it were such a sin."

"When did you get so attached to your little twink?"

_That's it_, Cooper thought and got up. "Do you know what he said?" he poked Dewey's chest "I'll prove it to you Coop, they're our friends. They'll understand, they won't judge. I'll prove to you that there is nothing to be scared of. Yeah, he did prove a point. But not his own. He proved that I was right. I warned him to be careful, but even after he got caught he was determined to change your minds, because he believes in you guys. God knows why," he stated loud and clear, sometimes with a mocking undertone.

"You knew he was gay?" Sammy asked.

"Of course I knew, he's _my_ rookie," all the anger left his body at the thought of their days together, he was tired.

"You teamed up with him even though you knew he could make a pass on you?" Garcia asked, he felt guilty for giving Sherman a hard time.

Jessica huffed at that, "You guys make a pass on us all the time."

The men couldn't deny that.

John knew that she was aware of his sexuality and that she liked to team up with him because she felt safe and well respected as a woman.

Cooper lowered his head, catching sight of the blood on his hands and uniform. "You know Chickie. He helped me over my addiction. He didn't watch for years until it got out of hand just to turn me in. He threatened me, he yelled at me, he gave me an ultimatum. He's a great partner."

"Don't compare me to him," she hissed, not because Sherman liked men but because he was a better partner, "It's different."

"Why? Because you love Dewey? Is that why? Loving someone means to help not watch and pray that the problem solves itself," she blushed furiously.

"Cooper you're crossing a line," Dewey warned.

"No you guys have crossed the line, over and over again," they stood face to face. "You harassed him, you abused him, you tried to destroy him and for what? For being in love with a man. Damn he's not even gay, he's bi."

"You know a lot about him."

"I'm the one he calls when he needs someone, since day one," Cooper fell silent for a moment, making up his mind, "and do you know what?"

All eyes were on John. "He's MY boyfriend," the silence was deafening. "He's MY partner, he doesn't have a crush on me. He's _in_ love with me, ... and I love him."

"What?" Brown breathed out.

"He said his boyfriend broke up with him," Sammy glared daggers at Coop.

"I'm hiding, all my god damn life," he yelled in frustration, "and you guys are the reason why. All my relationships went down in flames because of you and now I'm losing him, too," all the fight left him, _Oh god..._ _losing him...I can't... _his head spun.

He felt sick to the stomach, he was suddenly hyperaware of the stench of blood and the disinfectant.

So he did something he didn't do since his days as a rookie. He vomited into the nearby trashcan, in public and with much less shame than he thought he would feel.

All the years of hiding, all his fears, came back full force obscuring his mind.

After the first wave of panic was over he could see Ben, bleeding out in front of him, choking on his blood. Telling him silently to go on, to forget.

He couldn't. Never.

Tang crouched down beside him, rubbing over his broad back.

"You have friends here John. High up the ladder. Nothing will happen to you," she soothed.

Dewey slumped down onto a chair, his mind was racing.

Chickie couldn't believe her ears.

Bryant was speechless and had to rethink all he had seen the last weeks.

The other officers were silent, too.

"Come," a young nurse grabbed John's arm. "Let's get you cleaned up."

The older man took the chewing gum she offered and followed her.

"Damn," Dewey said to no one in particular.

"We ruined their relationship," Brown added, that hurt.

"Do you think they were truly happy?" Montoya asked Garcia. The younger man nodded, looking thoughtful.

"Who of you is John Cooper?" a doctor joined them.

"He's in the bathroom with one of your nurses. To get Ben's blood off of him," Sammy stated, teary eyed.

"Can we help?" Dewey offered.

"He holds power of attorney," that was a no.

"He does?" Chickie asked the obvious.

That fact told more than thousand words ever could.

"I get him." Tang got up to look for him.

::::::::::::

The bullet had bounced off of a bone and lodged itself into Ben's lung.

They could stop the bleedings and repair the damage, with some luck he would be fine in no time.

"They say you'll be fine in no time," John sat next to the bed, holding Ben's hand.

His thumb stroke over the back of Ben's hand, carefully avoiding the IV line.

"You have to bear with the respirator for a while, though. Your lung needs time to heal" he explained, even though he knew his lover was still asleep.

"You scared me," he rubbed angrily at his tears, with his free hand.

All came crashing down on him after his confession.

He didn't regret telling them but he regretted neglecting Sherman.

He could have died, never knowing how much he meant to John.

That he loved him was a fact but how deep he was in it was not so obvious after everything he did.

Bryant for example mistook their hidden love for hate and fear.

With a heavy heart and raging mind he managed to fall asleep.

The first thing Ben heard was the heart monitor and a hissing noise.

A respirator he realized, it wasn't a nice feeling.

He tried to remember what happened, he opened his eyes as images of the event rushed through his mind.

Ben involuntary clenched his hands.

The fact that he squeezed a hand took him by surprise.

He turned his head as far as he could with the damn tube down his throat.

The warm hand belonged to John, who jerked awake after he squeezed his hand a second time, he tried to squeeze harder.

"Ben?" his eyes were wide but unfocused.

Sherman would have laughed at him for looking so disheveled and surprised.

He squeezed the hand again, watching how surprise turned into bone deep relief.

"Benny," John took Ben's hand in both hands, bringing their hands up to his mouth, kissing each knuckle, "Thank god."

Benny? Sherman thought, his head felt like it was filled with cotton.

"You gave us a scare," he kissed Ben's hand again, taking a deep breath.

Ben tugged on Coop's hand placing their joined hands on his belly, holding on for dear life.

"You will be fine," John assured, repeating what he told him while he was still unconscious.

Ben gave him a barely visible nod.

"Sleep." John leaned forward, placing one hand on top of Ben's head.

"You need rest," his thumb stroke gently through Ben's hair. "I'm here," he got up to peck his lover on the forehead.

"I'm not going anywhere," he breathed against Ben's clammy skin.

Ben's eyes closed, he tried to stay awake a little longer but he lost the fight against his own body and the meds.

John sat back down, smiling gently at his partner, "I love you."

:::::::::::

"How are you today?" John entered the room.

The doctors got rid of the respirator days ago and Ben was well enough to feel restless.

"Good," it wasn't a lie compared to the last week he felt awesome.

"I'm glad," he dragged the chair over to the bed. "Are you up for visitors?"

"I have one?" Cooper and his family were the only visitors he had.

"I made them wait until you're well enough to stand their presence," the older man confessed.

They were back together as far as he was concerned, he just had to tell Ben that.

"Dewey and Chikie bug me for days," he noticed how Ben's body tensed. "You don't have to."

"It's okay," Ben accepted, Coop was there to kick them out for him.

John opened the door to wave them inside.

"Hey, boot." Dewey eyed him, "You look terrible"

Ben huffed, "Thank you."

"Here," Chickie gave him a book. "We thought you could use some distraction."

"Thank you," this time without sarcasm.

The book fell into the category humor, "I think you need something to laugh about," she avoided his gaze.

"I like that," he forced a smile on his face.

John exhaled audibly before he returned to his seat, taking Ben's hand.

Ben tried to take his hand away but Coop held his hand in place, "It's okay, we know," Chickie gave him a insecure smile.

"They do?" his jaw dropped, looking at Coop for an answer.

"I told them," he stated, not sure if Ben was okay with that, "They all know."

"What the... Couldn't you tell me before I wreck my brain how to behave around them?" he was angry and relieved and so much in love all over again.

"We should go, bye bye twink," Dewey joked, without a hint of disgust or venom, before Chickie rolled her eyes and kicked him out of the room.

"You told them?" Ben looked kind of helpless.

"I had to." John looked at his hands, fumbling for words.

"Breaking up with me, watching me getting hurt an suddenly you had to tell them?"

"I.." _damn_, John thought. It wasn't like him to struggle for words.

"Coop?" Ben's tone softened, mixed with a hint of worry.

Only then John realized that tears found their way down his cheeks, he was crying and his hands were shaking.

John hunched forward, resting his elbows on his knees and burying his head in his hands.

Ben swung his legs over the edge of the bed and tried to make as much physical contact with Cooper as his body allowed.

"John, look at me," he placed a hand on the back of John's head, "Look at me."

The older man looked up, eyes red and puffy. "I'm sorry."

These few words shattered Ben's heart into pieces, they were spoke with such tenderness and regret that it was hard not to feel the pain behind them.

"When did you tell them?" he couldn't deal with Coop's guilt, not now.

"The day you got shot."

"Why?" Ben pushed.

"For you, for me, for us," John held his gaze.

"Are you sure you can live with the decision?"

"I have to, and you were right you know," John took a shaky breath, "The job isn't top priority, no matter how much I love it, you come first because I love you more."

It was the first time Ben heard John say the three magic words, "You love me?" a little smile tugged on the corner of his lips.

"With all I have," John confessed. "We have a chance."

"Yes we have," the younger man wasn't truly believing his lover would ever choose him over his job and he thanked god that he was so damn wrong.

"I took some time off so I can keep you company," John said. "I have to keep Tang and you have to live with Bryant but the Chief says we can stay in the same district," he rambled.

A smile appeared on Ben's face, "I'm glad."

"And we have most of the cops on our side," Cooper informed him, "most of them have one hell of a remorse. We should be safe. Especially with Dewey on our side," the man had apologized and made clear that it was never meant as a hate crime.

He just talked a lot, and liked to make mountains out of molehills.

"I'm not sure I want to go back."

"Giving up boot?" John got up from the chair to join Ben on the bed.

"Maybe."

Coop took Ben into his arms, holding him tight. "Your decision will not change what we have."

"What do we have?" Ben stated.

John placed a kiss on Sherman's temple, "Everything."

"I'm officially your boyfriend?"

"My life partner," John clarified, "My everything."

"Cheesy, Coop," Ben chuckled softly against the other man's neck.

"I almost lost you, I have every right to have a cheesy moment"

:::::::::::::

"Are you sure you want to go back?" they sat on Cooper's back porch.

No, their back porch.

Ben moved in the day they released him from the hospital.

John had fussed over him like a mother-hen. He made sure he ate, took his pills and got enough rest. It was nice, unnervingly boring at times but nice.

Ben had to text John around noon and when he was free John called him to make sure he was okay and to let Ben know that he was okay.

"Yes," Ben decided not to give in.

"It will be hard," he knew how hard it was to return after a serious injury.

"Has it been hard for you?" Ben watched the night sky.

"Yes, every time," injuries made you aware of how vulnerable you really are.

"I'm worried that I will freeze during a shootout," not protecting his partner, his colleagues.

"You have to take the risk, if you want to remain an officer."

"I know but what if I get someone killed?" _what if I get you killed_.

"There is always a chance that we let someone down," Cooper's expression went blank.

Ben looked at him because he noticed the small change in his tone, "Don't do that Coop. Talk to me."

"You're the striking proof."

"There was nothing you could have done to prevent me getting shot," Ben chided, it wasn't the first time they had that discussion and it wouldn't be the last.

"I know that but..." his heart was telling him otherwise.

"No _but_ John." Ben put down his beer and got up from his seat, "You didn't take the shot. You got your courage together and confessed your secret. You spent every fucking day at the hospital, watching over me. You let me move in with you. You're watching over me day in and day out. You made up for all the things you have said and done."

Sherman had forgiven him shortly after the shootout it was what he dreamed of after all.

"And to make up for your sacrifices I will introduce you to my family and my 'friends'," they weren't his friends anymore, they probably never were, but Cooper had every right to meet the people Ben had to put up with.

John gave him a look of surprise, "Do you think that's a good idea?"

"They think I'm single. I want to see their faces when I walk through the door with the most gorgeous man on earth."

"Gorgeous?" he was over forty and nothing more than a grade III+1 officer.

"Yeah." Ben straddled him, wrapping his arms around John's neck. "Tall, broad, awesome smile, beautiful eyes, and under all these layers of Officer John Cooper's protection wall lies a man with a vulnerable soul and heart of gold."

"Got the wrong profession, boot." John sniffed, "you should be a poet"

"Love you too, you big blond bloke," he captured his lover's lips.

Sherman's body fitted perfectly against John's, like they were meant to be together and maybe life led them into each other's arms because it was their destiny to be together.

"I love your warmth," John whispered against Ben's lips, holding the younger man close. "The feel of your body against mine," it was so right, no matter what people were saying.

Ben chuckled against John's lips, "Not bad for someone so small, huh?"

"You're not small, I'm just too tall," John initiated a more heated kiss.

"5,1 inch." Ben bucked his hips against Coop's, "but luckily it doesn't apply to every body part."

John shivered at the friction the movement caused in his groin, Ben was indeed not small in that area.

Ben was normally the one who bottomed but sometimes they switched, mostly when Ben or John needed to let out some steam.

"Let's go inside," the younger man ordered, leading his lover into the bedroom.

"_You _are gorgeous," John slid his hands under Ben's shirt, kissing his neck.

Ben hummed in amusement, enjoying the large warm hands on his body. "Too many clothes," he gasped as John's hard cock rubbed over his lower belly.

John smirked while he got rid of Ben's shirt before he opened the younger man's belt to get rid of the jeans, and briefs.

Ben pulled off John's shirt and placed kisses along his collarbone.

"Love that," the older man grabbed his lover's waist guiding them onto the bed, "You or I?"

"I want you," Ben traced Coop's facial features with his fingertips. "Love is all I need today," there was no anger or adrenaline he had to release, he just wanted to treasure what they had.

"You're always loved," John kissed him with all the love he felt, grinding their groins together.

They liked to face each other during intercourse, it was more personal and they liked to see the each other come.

Ben's hands wandered up and down Coop's back, he felt safe in his lover's arms and loved and important. He knew that in John's eyes he was someone.

He wasn't Ben Sherman jr., the rich asshole-lawyer's son.

Of course Cooper had made fun of him at the beginning but it was his way to get under his skin. He taught Ben to stand up for himself even against his partner.

"I'm proud of you," Ben's hand rubbed circles over John's lower back. "You're clean and pain free. I'm proud."

John stopped moving for a moment looking at Ben with an open and raw expression.

The younger man smiled up at him, "I love you," he pulled Cooper down into a heated kiss.

:::::::::::

"Hey, I missed you man," Sammy patted him on the back once he entered the locker room "Working with Johnson isn't fun."

Ben gave him a look that stated that he didn't know what Sammy was talking about.

"He eats donuts, all fucking day. He talks and talks and talks," Bryant clarified. "I'm so glad you're back."

"Ah, I know who you mean," he nodded finally.

"Your man is creepy Sherman," he tried to visit Ben in the hospital but Cooper denied him entrance and he gave him an icy glare as they stumbled over each other in the parking lot that morning.

"I know," Ben smiled, John told him all about it once he was well enough to memorize what he said.

He was a little over protective at times but mostly he kept visitors away to have Ben for himself.

John needed that time alone with Ben after all that happened.

"Out of my way, queeny," Rollins bumped into Sherman.

"Don't," Ben stopped Sammy from jumping the guy. "He's not worth it."

"Cooper is rubbing off on you," Bryant smirked. "I'm pretty sure I heard that before."

"Ah shut up," the blond rolled his eyes.

John joined them in the locker room, "Hey Bryant."

"Cooper," he nodded.

"What?" John glared at a young man, who gave Ben a nasty look.

"Nothing," he looked away.

"Coop," Dewey strolled into the room. "Hey, Sherman."

"Something interesting going on out there?" things on the street could change fast and dramatically.

"No, same old," he wasn't sure if that was a good thing or not.

"Where is my shirt?" Coop muttered while he rummaged around in his bag.

"Here," Sherman threw the white undershirt at Cooper. "You left it on the dresser."

John quirked a brow, "What are you my wife?" he deadpanned.

Ben suppressed a grin. "Housekeeper?" he shrugged.

Dewey sighed dramatically, "Ladies, please."

"Shut up," they said in unison.

Baker didn't know what to say, he thought it was just a rumor that John Cooper was a faggot but obviously not.

The great John Cooper was the boyfriend of Ben Sherman, that was unbelievable.

"So you're really his boyfriend," Sammy stated after they drove off the parking lot.

"Yep," Ben felt good and he hoped it remained that way.

"I thought he hated you."

"Never," he urged John into rehab, they quarreled, he ignored his lessons once in a while due to his temper. He was damn sure John wasn't able to hate him.

"He's scary though."

Ben chuckled, he had nothing to say.

The gentle and open John was his, and he didn't like sharing.

Except transvestites, abused women or children, they could borrow John's experience and comfort for a while.

"Are you happy?" he looked at Sherman to observe his reaction.

"Yes," his face beamed with happiness, he wasn't exactly smiling but it was close.

"Good," he nodded to himself.

"Are you?"

"No," his marriage was a catastrophe and over.

"Maybe you need a pause."

"I don't know," it was complicated.

"I can shoot you," he joked.

"Hell, no." Sammy's mind wandered from his failed marriage to Ben's brush with dead.

"Helped me," sad but true.

"Just hustled things on," Bryant had the feeling that they would have found their way back together anyway. Or they would have started to hate each other but that was not an option.

"Did you try couple therapy?"

"I filed for divorce. It isn't working," he confessed.

"I'm sorry."

"I think it was long time coming," he sighed, "especially after Nate's death"

Sherman didn't know what to say.

Nate was a delicate topic.

"Don't ever do that again, capisce?" that took Ben by surprise. "Do what?"

"Get shot," he almost lost his second partner in a short amount of time, "Cooper will kill me if something happens to you."

"I'll try," it was impossible to adhere the request.

"Good."

"He told me that he told you guys about us, but no one wants to tell me what really happened after I got shot, why is that?" Ben pulled over and gave Sammy a hard and calculating look.

"He had a breakdown," Bryant swallowed hard.

Ben just continued to glare.

Bryant felt very unwell to be on the receiving end of Ben's interrogation, "He told them what lousy officers they were, he told them that you were lover's and then..."

"Then?" that must be the part they tried t hush up.

"He broke down, he threw up into a trashcan, still covered in your blood... wasn't pretty, Ben. I understand he doesn't want to talk about it. And don't tell him I told you," the pity he felt for Cooper that day was overwhelming.

Ben nibbled on his lower lip, _damn Coop you could have told me, what else is weighing on your mind?_ "Thank you."

"You're welcome," Sammy was glad the conversation was over, he felt ten years older.

:::::::::::::

"Hey, hey, calm down, okay?" Ben tried to comfort a man in his forties.

"No, I gonna jump," he said.

"Why?" tone as gentle as possible.

"My wife left me, because I- I am gay. I married her to deny who I am and now I get the quittance for my sins. I cheated on her with men," he sobbed.

"It's not easy to be openly gay, I understand that you tried to keep it quiet, maybe you could have told her, sooner." Ben had to think of Coop.

The man huffed, "What do _you_ know?"

Sherman looked at the officers around him, there was no one around who didn't know about him and Cooper, "My boyfriend was married."

The man's eyes widened in surprise.

"He and his ex-wife are still friends. He kept it a secret, too. For a very, very long time. I think you're around his age. A few weeks ago he came clean with himself and I think he feels better that way."

"How long are you together?" how does a man over forty get a kid like that?

"Almost a year" Ben smiled.

"Why? He's old," the smile seems honest, is it possible for beautiful young men to fall truly in love with an older man?

"He's not," Ben said slightly defensive. "He's a great person."

The man looked down at the water beneath the bridge, "Do you think I have a chance?"

"Yes," since his brush with death he believed in destiny.

"I'd love to see the man who captured the heart of a man like you," he said sadly while he climbed over the railing with Ben's help.

The man slipped and almost pulled Ben over the railing but he was able to hook his feet in the gap between asphalt and railing, "Hold on."

Sammy tried to steady Ben while he clung to the man.

Baker and Rollins remained where they were while Montoya climbed onto the railing, steadied by Garcia.

"Try to give me your hand, sir," the officer ordered.

After long tedious minutes they pulled the man on the other side of the railing.

"Damn," Bryant sat on the ground, catching his breath, "That was close."

"Good job, Sherman," Garcia patted him on the back, with a loud sigh.

"I think you should accompany him to the hospital and get checked out," Montoya gave Ben a once over, "The impact with the railing wasn't gentle and the strain on your shoulder could have torn a muscle."

"Okay," Ben rolled his eyes in mock annoyance, it was nice that they hovered over him to make sure he was fine.

"I'm Carl," the man offered him a hand. "I'm sorry for getting you almost killed. I hope your man won't kick my ass," he frowned as the officers around him snickered at his comment but let it go.

After one hour he got permission to leave the hospital and take the rest of the day off.

"Hey, Carl," he smiled. "How do you feel?"

"Ashamed," he confessed. "How are you?"

"Fine, a few bruises nothing more. I thought I pay you a visit before I head home."

"Thank you. For everything, your story made me think and I might have overreacted. Thank you for the beautiful lie," the snickering of the officers and the fact that a man in his mid twenties was honestly in love with a man, in his forties was too god to be true.

"It's not," Ben shook his head. "Wait," he pulled out his phone and sent Coop a text, he knew that he was somewhere in the waiting area. It was lunch time and there was no way that John would visit a diner instead of checking on him, Ben hoped he wasn't in the middle of a police operation.

"So, you do have a boyfriend?"

"Yes," Ben nodded. "He was my TO, uhm, my first partner after the academy, he taught me how to be a good cop."

"You're both police officers?"

"We fought and we won," he almost lost his life in the process but it was okay.

A knock interrupted their conversation, "Hey, Coop."

Carl gasped as the tall and broad blond man entered, "Holy..."

"That the guy who almost got you killed?" Cooper gave him a hard glare.

_One of the tough Officers,_ "Wasn't my intention."

"Good," John nodded. "Care to explain why you want me here?"

"He tried to jump because he's secretly gay and his wife found out. I told him he had a fair chance to find someone. He thought I made you up to make him feel better," Ben summarized.

John studied the guy in front of him, he wasn't ugly but his fashion sense was hideous.

"New clothes, new haircut and you should be fine," he stated, using his matter of fact voice.

"Really?" the officer was gorgeous, he could see how perfectly they fitted together.

"Yes, sir." John palmed the back of Ben's neck with his hand, "We have to go, good luck."

"Bye," Ben nodded and left together with Cooper.

Carl let out a heavy sigh, he finally understood why the officers snickered.

It was the combination of getting killed by his boyfriend and the knowledge that his boyfriend was a walking brick wall.

Yeah, life could indeed turn out pretty well...

::::::::::::

"Are your hurt?"

"A few bruises, that's all."

"You have to stop giving me such scares, I'm not twenty anymore," John gave him a halfhearted glare.

"Yes, sir," a small smile graced his lips, "They helped me."

"Who?"

"Montoya and Garcia. They helped me and praised me afterwards while Baker and Rollins just watched."

Sammy had told him about it, "Montoya and Garcia are good man, pigheaded at times but good. Baker is... I don't know, he was always that way. Sometimes I suspect that he's in the closet and can't cope with what he wants. So it turned into hate."

"You mean he hates homosexuals because he is one himself but can't accept the fact," Ben thought about it and it sounded plausible.

"Or he was raised with such beliefs," John offered a second option.

"I just hope he leaves us alone," he was dangerous.

"The Chief keeps an eye on him. Tang turned them in but he needs more evidences than our word."

Ben knew what Coop meant, evidences like the wounds after the beating, "I still have the pictures the hospital made."

"You do?" the older man was surprised.

"Yes," but it was too late for that.

"He has to see them."

Ben nodded, knowing that Coop would handle it, because he couldn't.

:::::::::::

"You look gorgeous," Ben smiled up at John.

The older man wore jeans and a tight black button up shirt.

Ben knew from experience that John looked awesome in everything he wore.

T-shirts, dress shirts, suits, especially black suits with a white dress-shirt and his uniform and nothing at all.

"You can peel me out of these clothes after dinner." John smirked, his lover had obviously a hard on.

"Tease," Ben turned around to look in the mirror, he was nervous.

"We don't have to do that," John offered him a way out, he wasn't sure himself if he wanted to do that.

He couldn't remember the last time he was so nervous.

"They're my family, and you're my family. It's time to introduce you," Ben was scared shitless.

Olivia and Chloe said they would be there, and probably Wade.

His mom said she'd try.

"Doesn't mean we have to rush it."

"And wait until one of us gets shot?" Ben lowered his gaze, touching his shoulder where the bullet had torn his flesh apart.

John wrapped his arms around Ben from behind and placed a kiss against his neck, "You're alive and well."

"Mentally not so much but neither are you," Ben leaned into the warm body of his lover.

"I'm fine."

"You are not. I heard about your confrontation with the trashcan," he placed his hands above John's to trap them there.

"Oh," Cooper whispered. "That was weeks ago," his voice stronger this time.

"You have nightmares, almost every night," Ben held him close until his nightmares subsided, reassuring that he was alive and well.

"Nightmares are normal."

"They are not normal, we have to cope with what happened. Maybe we should confine in a therapist," he braced himself for a good yelling.

"Okay," that was a surprise.

Ben quirked a brow, that was too easy.

"I'm tired and tend to freak out inwardly when I hear about you getting hurt," maybe it was time to do something against it.

Sherman tilted his head backwards to look at John. "You can always quit when you don't feel comfortable. I will not push you."

John pecked him on the lips. "Thank you," he let go of Ben, it was time to go.

They stood in front of a restaurant in an area John knew he could never afford to live at, or eat there.

"We still have the chance to go," John offered again, Ben was tense and unfocused.

Sherman took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, "No... Come," he entered the restaurant, looking around for his family.

"Ben," a woman waved, it was his mom.

There was a woman he did not recognize at all.

"Hi mom," he gave her a brief hug and greeted his sisters.

"You're late," Ben froze that was his dad's voice, _what the hell is he doing here?_

"Hey man," Wade motion him to sit, with a big grin.

"That is John," he introduced his partner, but no one seemed very interested in the man.

"Ah, your partner. The guy who busted me," Wade said haughtily.

"I thought you introduce us to your girlfriend," his mother was disappointed.

"You should look for a new job Ben, no woman wants a police officer," Olivia shook her head.

"Good I brought Kathy along," his mother beamed.

Ben tensed even more but not from nervousness, he was angry.

John rested a hand on the small of Ben's back and shoved him in the direction of the two unoccupied seats near Wade.

"Son, you should learn to keep a woman," his father chided, "but I think your sister is right."

"You're one to talk," Ben spat.

"So you're a police officer?" Kathy smiled, fluttering her eyelashes.

"Obviously," he wasn't in the mood to put up with her.

John tried his best to hide the smirk that threatened to tuck on his lips.

"Kathy is an assistance doctor," his mother praised. "She isn't just pretty but smart, too."

"I'm not interested," Ben forced a smile. "No offence," he added apologetic.

It wasn't Kathy's fault that his family was stupid.

"Ben, she's great," Wade didn't understand how Ben could turn her down.

"You can date her," Ben said nonchalantly.

"She's all yours."

"You do know that she's a human being and not rental car, right?" Ben raised his brows.

Kathy blushed, it seemed that Ben Sherman was a man to her liking. He respected women, that was rare these days.

"Come on Ben," his mother chirped, "Next Saturday, here, 8 p.m."

"Absolutely not."

"He's just rebelling against us," his father swallowed half the content o his glass of wine.

"Is Ben a good cop?" Kathy asked Cooper before the situation could escalate.

"Yes, he is. One of the best," that was the truth.

Ben felt as honored as the day he read what Coop wrote into his trainee book.

"Why hanging out with him?" Wade eyed Cooper with disgust in his eyes.

"Why not?" Ben asked irritated, _why can't they leave it alone?_

Therefore that Ben's family was part of the upper-class they were pretty dumb but Cooper wouldn't tell them that.

Not yet, maybe never.

Depending on the evening.

"He's, what forty, he looks rough and can probably count not further than up to twenty."

Ben was out of his seat so fast Coop had barely time to catch him before he punched the shit out of the punk.

"Sherman," he ordered while he held him back. "Anger management, boot."

"Yes, sir," Ben gritted out while Cooper dragged him back to his seat.

"That was uncalled for son, what do the people think," his father looked around to make sure his son's outburst wasn't going to be a scandal. "Your hot head was always an unpleasant character trait of yours."

"Go and wash your face or something," John whispered into his ear.

Ben looked at John, not sure if he could leave him alone for a moment.

"Go," the older man nodded.

"Excuse me," Ben stood up and hurried to the bathroom.

"You kept Ben company during his stay at the hospital," Chloe tried to change the topic and that was all she came up with.

"Yes," John nodded, keeping his expression blank.

"I wish I wasn't so busy," Sherman senior wasn't there once.

"With all due respect sir but that's bullshit. Nothing is more important than the life of your child," John stated.

He liked how his cool demeanor irritated the older man.

"Do you have children?"

"No," _therefore I have your boy_.

"Then you can't understand what it means to be a father."

"But I understand how important it is to care for people you love," Cooper replied, enjoying the pained look in Sherman sr.'s eyes.

"Do you want to say, we have no idea what love is?" Wade searched for a reason to pick up a fight.

"I think your priorities aren't always how they should be," that was the truth.

"You're poor like a church mouse, what do you know?" he mocked.

"I don't have the privilege to drive an expensive sports car, I can't ignore every law and get bailed out as if nothing happened. I don't have the privilege to live in a huge house, with maids and groupies on the front porch, lusting after my money but I have a job I love, I have a car I saved up by myself and I have true friends and a lover no one can compete with. That's all I need, no matter what you tell me. You can't make me small. _I_ have it all," John said nonchalantly.

He had Ben, their house, his car, his colleagues.

Life was pretty damn good.

Ben stood behind Cooper and smiled fondly at his lover.

His heart felt like it would burst any moment.

He was so proud and felt so loved that it was almost painful.

Ben moved closer to John and wrapped his arms around him from behind and rested his chin on top of the older man's had. "Let's go home," he cuddled his lover in front of his family.

"Thank god," Cooper let out a relieved sigh.

Ben let go so John could stand up, "It was a pleasure to meet you," it was clearly a lie.

The Sherman family and their friends were gaping at them while they left the restaurant, arm in arm.

"Your speech earns you a free ticket to a very, very long and hot night," he would show his lover how much he loved him in return.

"It does?" Cooper smirked, looking forward to it.

"I love you, Coop. Never doubt that."

"Never will."

::::::::::::::::

"Hey Sherman," Dewey greeted him in the parking lot.

His mood was suspiciously good and the smile Chickie wore was bordering on mischievous.

"Good day?"

"You could say that, yeah," Dudek replied before they got into their car and drove off.

"You didn't hear?" Morales's appeared behind him.

"Hear what?" Ben had no clue.

The slightly older man pointed at the direction of the entrance door, with a smile on his face.

Baker and Rollins exited the building and Ben couldn't believe what he saw.

Rollins's face was more purple than anything else, his posture stiff and pained.

"What the... ?"

"Got what he deserved," Morales squeezed his shoulder before he went back to his partner.

"Coop," Ben almost yelled as he entered the locker room.

"What got you so worked up?"

"Was it you?" Ben needed to know.

"Was I what?"

"The one who beat the crap out of Rollins," he fumed.

"No," John shook his head, Ben would never forgive him.

"But you know who?"

"Yes," Cooper confessed but not offering a name.

"Who, John," the younger man urged.

"I think that's not important. Let's say a few friends figured out who exactly was involved in beating you up and taught them a lesson." Cooper gave his okay but Ben didn't need to know that.

"Dewey," Ben remembered the expression on his face. "Chickie," her smile, "Morales, too?" the man had pointed it out to him, with pride in his voice.

"No, not Morales but I heard he voted with yes," they asked Morales to stay away because he had a family to support in case the plan backfired.

"Why?"

"Do you really have to ask that?" John caressed Ben's cheek, "Making amends, changing the rules, eye for an eye, for the sake of all. Take your pick"

"You do have your fingers in it," Ben couldn't bring himself to be angry, he felt disturbingly honored by what they did.

"Maybe a little," John grimaced slightly.

"Why is it easier for you?" he wanted to ask the question weeks ago but wasn't sure if he could live with the answer.

"Because I work with them for ages. They know who I am, they know they can trust me. I proved myself a long time ago. So, it has nothing to do with you. You're the 'new kid', if you had waited twenty years to tell them it would have turned out slightly differently. People like Baker are everywhere, but it's okay as long as they're the minority. And you taught me that, Ben. You proved your point, I needed a while to see that but you were right," he had a few long talks with colleagues and they told him that they still trust him with their lives.

That was an answer he could live with, it hurt but he could understand the way they were thinking.

"Now go and bug Bryant," John used the chance that the locker room was empty and gave Sherman a strong pat on the ass.

The younger man was shocked for a moment but then a naughty smirk appeared, "I'll pay you back."

"I hope so." John grinned while he put on his shirt.

::::::::::::

A few weeks later John and Ben had different shifts, it was rare but happened sometimes.

Sherman hated these days.

He made dinner as the news caught his attention.

Coop and Tang had to put up with a camera crew and John had bitched the whole week how much he hated reporters.

"Our camera crew caught an attack on a police officer on tape."

Ben's hand stilled and his had snapped around, "Please, don't."

After a short pause Tang appeared on the screen chasing an suspect.

Ben's heart dropped as the cameraman turned around and caught John.

He was struggling with a big guy, fighting to get air into his lungs while the perp wrapped himself around his lover like a snake.

Backup arrived and got the man off of John, he was bleeding and in shock.

Ben couldn't breath as he looked into the scared eyes on the screen, he searched frantically for his phone.

Tang answered the call, she took John's cell phone before the medics loaded him into the ambulance.

"How is he?" she heard the panic in his voice.

"The perp bit his neck pretty hard. I can't say more at the moment. I think it's not bad enough for him to bleed out or something but he lost too much blood for my liking and I-..." her voice broke.

Sherman panicked even more, Tang was normally a controlled and level headed woman.

To hear her freak out was killing him, "Where are you?"

She gave him the name of the hospital and he struggled with himself not to break every traffic code on his way.

"Ben," Jessica called out for him before he could rip the nurse's head off for not answering his questions.

"Something new?" but she shook her head, no.

"They're not saying much, because the T.V. crew is here," she hissed.

"Where," he raged, he would smash the guys face for watching his partner struggle for his life, "Where is he?"

"Calm down," she tried to get his attention. "I knocked him on his ass, leave it alone," he was dangerous when he threw a fit.

"He watched while Coop almost choked to death. I will not leave it alone," Ben breathed heavily.

"Family of John Cooper?" the doctor looked around.

"Here," a young woman chimed up.

Ruthless journalist was practically engraved on her forehead and Ben seethed even more.

She fluttered her lashes at the doctor, forcing worry into her expression.

That was the I'm-the-grieving-wife look Ben normally tried to sooth away but in her case he wanted to punch it out of her face.

"How is he doctor?" her voice felt so devious.

Ben got a hold on his raging emotions and was able to do more than stare at them.

"She has no right to be informed," Ben said. "I'm his next of kin."

"Mr. Sherman?" the doctor asked, he thought for a moment someone mixed up the gender of the Sherman person but obviously not. "Come with me," he gave the woman a venomous glare.

"I would leave if I were you or I, sue you the first chance I get. Your cameraman should brace himself for a nice trial," Sherman promised.

"Threatening me will get you nowhere," she was arrogant, he hated her even more.

"Wasn't a threat." Ben glared until she looked away.

He turned around and followed the doctor.

"We cleaned the wound and had to stitch it. We're running a blood screen to make sure the attacker didn't infect him with a nasty disease. The lack of oxygen didn't cause lasting damage and his bruises will heal soon."

No matter what the doctor said Ben knew it was a close call. Very close.

The camera recording showed him all he needed to know.

John fought hard for his life but he didn't stand a chance against the perp.

He had the upper-hand and John knew that, too.

It must have been agonizing to know that you would die and there was nothing you could do about it but keep on fighting and pray for a wonder.

Ben was thankful Tang and the other officers arrived in time, saving his lover's life.

"Can I see him?"

"Of course," the doctor showed him the way.

"Hey, Coop." Ben walked slowly to the bed.

Seeing his lover broke all his resolve and made it impossible to keep the tears at bay.

John looked at Ben and opened his arms to invite his lover into his arms.

Cooper was too shaken up to say something or offer more comfort than holding Ben close, letting him hear his heartbeat.

"I kill them," Ben mumbled against Coop's chest. "I saw the footage on the news."

John tensed, "Thy broadcasted it?"

"Yes," Ben hissed. "He filmed you while you fought for your life. I saw all that. They will pay."

To know that everyone saw that send a shiver down his spine.

That was not okay, especially without his consent.

"When can I take you home?" Ben tightened his hold on John.

"Tomorrow morning."

Ben escaped John's embrace and dragged the chair from the other end of the room to the bed. "You should try to sleep," he took Cooper's hand.

"As if I could," John closed his eyes nonetheless.

"Did you eat?"

John shook his head.

"I get you something and tell Tang that she can go home, okay?" Ben didn't want to leave but Tang deserved better than being ignored.

"Tell her thank you."

"For hitting the cameraman, I'd love to," Ben liked her. "See you in a few," he pecked Coop on the lip.

"Don't."

"Don't what?"

"Don't kiss me until I know that I'm not giving you something dangerous by kissing you," sex was a no go, too.

Ben kissed him again to prove a point. "I don't care," he kissed him again before he left the room.

Leaving a brooding John behind.

The waiting area was filled with police officers by now.

"Ben, how is he?" Dewey wore jeans and a jumper. Chikie looked like a lady and even Sammy was there, wearing sweatpants and running shoes.

It was obvious that they all dropped everything to see how John was doing.

Ben looked around, "He will be fine. But we have to wait for the blood tests. The guy bit him pretty hard. They had to stitch up his neck," he felt suddenly really tired.

"We saw the footage," Dewey narrowed his eyes, seeing your colleague and oldest friend choke was not a pretty sight.

"Me, too," it was impossible to get rid of the images in his head.

"You saw that?" Chikie was in full blown mommy mode, what took them all by surprise.

She placed a hand on Ben's shoulder to offer some comfort.

"I was at home when... I saw it on the news," he gave her one of his insecure little smiles.

"No one called you?"

"I couldn't," Tang looked worn out. "I couldn't bring myself to call him. I held his phone in my hand but what was I supposed to say?"

"It's never easy," Sammy knew what he was talking about, after Nate and all.

"At least I know exactly what happened. Thanks to the bastard clinging to his camera," his voice rose at the last part.

"We charge him with denial of assistance," Dewey said. "We're at war. Police against reporters. We will not stand by while they use us for ratings."

Ben took a shaky breath, "It would have happened anyway," with or without the camera crew it would have happened.

"Ben," he turned around to see Chloe and Olivia.

"What are you doing here?" he rubbed his eyes, to get rid of the salty streaks on his cheek.

"We saw what happened on T.V.," Olivia pulled him into her arms,"How is he?"

"He'll be fine in no time," he forced himself to return the hug.

"Hi, we're Ben's sisters," Chloe explained to the officers.

"Chloe and Olivia," Ben introduced.

"Nice to meet you," Brown said, her smile was fake but you had to know her well to see it.

"Why are you here?" Ben repeated, they didn't call since his outing and didn't react to the text message he had send a few days after.

"To offer comfort." Olivia had the nerve to look offended.

"Change of heart?" he mocked. "Go home."

He couldn't deal with his sisters, not now.

"Dewey can you get something to eat for us? The hospital food is creepy and he could use something less 'healthy'," Sherman wouldn't leave the hospital without his lover.

"Sure," Dudek nodded. "Come on Chickie."

Ben had to smile at them, he used a quiet minute to tell Jessica that John was glad to be her partner and that they were thankful for what she did.

Bryant and the others stayed behind to make sure the T.V. crew behaved, "Fucking leeches," he muttered.

"Thanks Sammy," he owed him that.

"Go back to your man. I tell you when to collect the food." Sammy pushed Ben in the direction of John's room.

"Ben," his sisters said in unison, they weren't used to be ignored.

"Ladies, this is a hospital. So hush." Sammy returned to his seat and opened the magazine he was reading before, his attention never fully left the reporter.

"We are worried," Chloe pouted.

"We brought it upon ourselves," they didn't act the way they should have.

"Indeed," the younger woman cursed herself for being so stupid.

Ben was still her brother, gay or not, and the man her brother loved had every right to be part of the family, if they liked him or not.

Maybe he was a nice guy.

"Sit down or leave, you're making me nervous," Sammy said without looking at them.

They blushed and sat down, the officer was cute.

::::::::::::::

"What took you so long?" John played with the thought that Sherman had run.

"My sisters, and the horrible hospital food. I asked Dewey to get something more edible," Ben returned to his seat, taking John's hand.

"Dewey is here?"

"And Chikie and Sammy and Tang and half the department and my sisters. Jessica isn't ready to leave but I think they'll make her," he felt sorry for Jessica, it wasn't her fault but he knew from experience that your feelings always tried to convince you otherwise.

"Wasn't her fault," John winced as he tried to shake his head.

Ben was out of his chair in a second, hovering over his hurt lover, "No one blames her but herself," he caressed Cooper's cheek, the contact made him feel better.

"I'm fine, stop fussing," John didn't like to be coddled like a child.

"I'm harmless. I remember you hovering after I got shot. That was by far worse," there was amusement in Ben's eyes.

He had enjoyed the attention he got.

"I was scared," John squeezed Ben's hand, "I thought I..."

"I know," it was clearly visible on the footage, "I thought that, too. And I just watched the footage. I can't imagine how scary it must have been for you."

"Fear, panic, regret," John summarized.

"Regret?" had his lover unfinished business?

"Not coming home tonight," _not coming home ever again_.

Ben blinked the tears away, his heart constricted painfully at the thought, "We are meant to be," he tried more to convince himself than Cooper. "I live, you live. We are meant to last forever."

John knew that it was probably due to luck and competent colleagues and doctors but kept his mouth shut.

But the thought was indeed comforting.

"They came for you," Ben smiled, the realization had hit him the moment he walked into the waiting area.

John wasn't alone, he had his backup.

"Yeah," he was so wired that he hadn't thought of that.

"We are safe," Ben kissed him. "You are safe," he kissed him again.

"I don't feel that way."

"I know and I don't expect you to in the near future but one day..." it was too soon to feel safe, John was still tense from his adrenalin rush and near death experience.

Ben had needed weeks to feel halfway normal and ready to go out on the streets.

"We will never be safe out there," it was the painful truth, but being a civilian wasn't safe either.

"No we won't but they have our backs, they will be there for us. They care for us and that makes a huge difference," nothing was more dangerous than being alone on the streets.

John reached out for Ben and pulled him against his chest, he held on to the smaller man, rubbing his cheek against his lover's head for a moment while he fought against his tears.

Ben rubbed soothing circles over his lover's chest, whispering sweet nothings against the exposed skin of John's neck until he calmed down.

"Food has arrived, I'm back in two," Ben's phone vibrated and he placed a soft kiss against Cooper's forehead before he collected their dinner.

John let out a quiet sob, just at that moment he realized that he was never so happy before in his life about the fact that he was alive.

:::::::::::

"I treat you to dinner?!" Ben beamed with joy.

Cooper got his test results and he was clean. The damn guy who bit John didn't destroy their lives.

The first blood test was good but the doctor said that he had to get tested again in a few months.

John was a wreck by the time he got tested again and had to wait for the results.

Ben and the therapist gave their best to comfort him and hold up his hopes.

"Steak?"

"Steak it is," Ben dragged him out of the hospital and into their car.

John was silent while they drove to their favorite restaurant, but it was the good kind of silence.

The one that let Ben know he was okay, relieved and happy.

Yeah, their life was fantastic, aside from the fact that their job was dangerous.

Cooper was healthy and happy.

His nightmares about Ben stopped and Ben was on his best way to get rid of his dreams regarding Cooper's brush with death.

Baker got transferred.

Rollins quit after a few rough weeks.

Ben's sister accepted John into the family and they adore him, they even love his car.

John had joked that his car was the only reason they liked him but his sisters made it pretty clear that this wasn't the case.

His parents still denied to talk with him but that was okay.

Parents should love their children no matter what, if they couldn't then they weren't worth his efforts.

"What are you smiling at?" John interrupted his thoughts.

"I'm just happy," he put a hand on top of John's for a moment, stroking over the platinum band.

They weren't officially married but that wasn't necessary.

They knew they belonged together, their friends knew that and the lord or whoever.

Cooper had to smile as Ben touched his ring.

Sherman had proposed to him shortly after the bite-attack.

It was Ben's way to show him that, no matter what, he would stick with him.

Guide him through better or worse until they had to part.

He had thought about it, his own insecurity had delayed the answer for a few hours until Ben had convinced him that he was worth it.

That he was the one with whom he wanted to spend his life with.

That a sickness wouldn't change anything and that he didn't propose out of pity.

To say yes and see the look of sheer happiness on Ben's face was stunning and worth all the hardship they had to endure.

Their sexuality wasn't an issue anymore.

They had a normal private life and friends who supported them.

For the first time in his life John Cooper felt free.

The End


End file.
